Michele Happe MA LADC

Tara Meditation

2011-11-20T13:42:00.001-08:00

Tara Meditation

Sundays at 5:00

Reno Buddhist Center
This is an English version of the original concise practice. It involves text reading in English, mantra, silent meditation and some chanting. Tara is the diety which is a manifester and magnetizer. Join us downstairs for the practice hosted by Steve Flack.

Obstacles and Obscurations

2011-10-25T07:11:00.000-07:00

In the Buddhist way of thinking, we are all The Buddha. The Buddha is the state of being fully awake and enlightened. The reason most of us do not express this Buddha Nature is because it is obscured by attachment to the ego or the "monkey mind". The ego is a double edged sword. On the one hand, as Freud said, it is the "reality principle". It keeps us grounded and responsible. On the other hand the ego "edges God out". It is deluded and self important and wants to be in control at all times. The egos need to control is what keeps us from enlightenment and ultimate health and happiness.

So what creates these obstacles and obscurations? As I just explained, the egos tendency to think it knows gives rise to attachment and aversion, two of the primary causes of suffering. The other reason for obstacles and obscurations is Karma. Karma is the result of the egos insistence that it is in control. Whether Karma ripens from this life's past misdeeds or from previous lives misdeeds is not important. What is important is that the simple cause and effect from Karma creates obstacles and obscurations to our true Buddha Nature. Karma can ripen as illness, emotional disorders, accidents or any other less than enlightened condition.

Our job as humans who desire to be enlightened is to clear away these obscurations. We do this through discipline. Our effort is to transform everything to compassion. We first train our mind to let go of our tendency to grasp so that we can convert our poisonous emotions(mental illness) to compassion. Just the intention to this discipline reaps immediate rewards. For instance jealousy and envy are transformed to admiration and respect. Anger is transformed to sorrow which warms the heart to self and others.

Another, even more potent method is through practice such as meditation and specific practices handed down from previous masters. There is a meditation practice called Tonglen (http://www.edsdeadbody.com/c-tonglen.html) which has a very powerful effect of clearing away obscurations. In Tonglen we breath in suffering and breath out love, thereby purifying the whole universe as well as ourselves. There are other daily practices called Sadana's that are also very potent. If you are a Buddhist a qualified Lama can teach and recommend these practices.

If you are not a Buddhist you can still clear away obscurations and obstacles by practicing the Golden Rule or as the Dalai Lama recommends, make your religion kindness. We must actively set our intention to be ethical and kind every day. We must actively reign in the selfish concerns of the ego. It is best to find a qualified teacher or a mentor who might be a therapist to aid us in our commitment to clear away our obscurations so that we can come closer to our Buddha Nature and achieve happiness and well being.

Be Well

Radio show from 4/29- fear

2009-06-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

In this hour long segment we talk about fear and anger as it relates to the flu epidemic or should I call it the "cable news flu". I think the fear is more contagious than the flu.

New interview on Blue Roots Radio on Spending Addiction

2009-04-24T15:34:00.000-07:00

in response to the credit crisis, Chris Johnson asks me about money and spending addictions, specifically credit card abuse.

my show with Corey Farley 4/1 "Happe Hour"

2009-04-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

Corruption

2009-04-21T07:30:00.000-07:00

Corruption is a human condition, a poison which all humans are capable of. When we are expressing our Buddha nature, we are incapable of corruption because we are motivated by compassion.

So how does corruption come into being. I believe that the basis for this is fear and a poor relationship with our own Buddha nature. We become convinced that the only way we can be happy is to be "better than". This is delusion. A person who violates others for his or her own gain is corrupt. This can occur on an interpersonal level or globally.

Interpersonally corrupt people are motivated to take advantage of others. They feel that they need to prove their "dominance" of others by making others feel small or less than. Unfortunately this feeling can only be fleeting because it is not real. So the corruption escalates or humility takes over when the corrupt person hits a bottom of sorts.

With addiction we get a false sense of power from the sensation of the "high". Most of our using times are spent chasing that original feeling of false equanimity that we feel in the early days of using. Since this is impossible to achieve, we then become ego driven to avoid the feelings of "incomprehensible demoralization" that our using causes. We are in aversion of the pain of our condition and aversion is one of the primary causes of suffering. This is a downward spiral that "gets worse, never better". Usually a person is ready to enter recovery when they realizes that they are living in a hell realm of addiction. They realized that this is not living, and there us usually a moment of clarity which involves a fervent desire to be truly alive. It can come after a near death experience or it can come for just being "sick and tired of being sick and tired".

We learn about the "horse thief" analogy once we find our way in sobriety. We learn that while using most of us are sociopathic. We lie cheat and steal as a way of life. Once we get sober two things can occur. We can become true to the traditions of recovery and become upstanding citizens or we can become a "sober horse thief". This is better known as a person who is a "dry drunk". This person is corrupt. Even though he may not use or drink, she may take advantage of others or will try to exert power and control over others. This person may have other behavioral addictions that have not been addressed such as sex addiction or codependency. These character flaws cause the person to live a life full of resentment and a drivenness to achieve a false kind of happiness devoid of compassion.
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On a social or global level this tendency is just multiplied. It congeals with others of like mind. Sometimes it is called congress or the senate, sometimes it is called the corporation. Humans are drawn to form systems because we are social animals. These systems become corrupt because they are made up of individuals who lack true compassion. Occasionally we see a politician or a corporation that seems to be built upon compassion. It was Dennis Kucinich who proposed the development of a "Department of Peace"...he was laughed at for that. There are many companies who function on a more compassionate basis like Ben and Jerry's Ice cream....but they struggle and often have to sell to a less compassionate corporation who has "success".

The only way to heal from corruption is to understand that it is built upon delusional power and can only bring about unhappiness and suffering. We must become committed to principles of compassion and the end result will be happiness and humor. Just look at the Dalai Lama who most of the time is very goofy and childlike while running his beleaguered nation that was taken over by a corrupt country. He displays wisdom and skill and continues to be healthy and shows very little anger. He is a model for all of us whether we are people in recovery from whatever, or corporations or even nations.

My segment of the Corey Farley show from March 25th

2009-04-16T07:32:00.000-07:00

Finding a therapist

2009-04-15T14:00:00.001-07:00

(this is an excerpt from a book I am writing on living with ADHD)

Therapy is a relationship with someone who is a few steps ahead of you. It is important to shop around until you find someone you are comfortable with. I will share with you some of my own preferences when I was looking for a therapist. I wanted someone who would share her own life with me when it was instructive to the therapy we were doing together. I preferred a woman because I wanted someone I felt understood women's issues and who communicated the way that I did. I also did not want the hassle of falling in love with my therapist in a sexual way. I felt safer working with a woman. Since I was working on addictive issues I wanted someone who had been to meetings and preferably was recovering. If they were not recovering I wanted them to be familiar with the 12 steps and who had been trained in addictions and codependency. Lots of therapists don't even believe that codependency exists. In my opinion, they just don't get it. I also wanted someone who understood the whole medication thing and who was comfortable working with MD's who prescribe medications. I found out later while working with my favorite therapist, Sally, that I needed someone who knew about sexual abuse and wacky family dysfunction as well.

I got lucky. At the time I did not have any idea what I needed. I just needed to feel comfortable to share my secrets and to know that my therapist was not perfect or holier than thou. Now I know and that is why I am attempting to pass this along to you.

I think it is very important for a therapist to admit mistakes when they happen. I happen to have a very shoot from the hip, blunt, forthright style. Because of this I occasionally will hurt a clients feelings. If they feel safe enough with me they know that they can confront me and that I will make amends for my error. This builds relationship.

As you can tell I am not much for the detached professional demeanor style of therapy. Some people need this to feel safe. They don't want to feel that their therapist even has a life. They want the therapist to just be there for them. This is fine too. It just important to know what you need before you go in to interview a therapist. That first session should be an interview. Do not feel obligated to return if it does not work for you. Your therapist works for you. You can hire or fire her or him at will. Just be sure that you are not avoiding the truth by quitting a particular therapist because she said something that was upsetting. First confront them with the upset and then see how they handle it. If it goes well and you feel that you were heard and acknowledged, then you will feel safer to expose yourself and to be in her care.

Again, it is important to be able to have a functional relationship with your therapist. If you are being diagnosed, it is your right to know what your diagnosis is and to be able to process your reactions to that diagnosis. If your therapist wants to recommend you to be evaluated for medication, she needs to be able to tell you why and to have a basic knowledge of brain chemistry and how medications work.

If you are into spirituality in your life it is a good idea to find a therapist who is open and well versed in her own spirituality. I am a Buddhist practitioner. I tell my clients that up front. I also let them know that I know a lot about Christianity and metaphysics too. I am able to convert many of the principles in Buddhism to similar Christian principles. If you are not at all into spirituality, your therapist should shut up about the subject and respect your point of view. It is a very bad idea for a therapist to impose their own world view on a client. I always ask permission to share about what I know about Buddhist principles. If they say no, which actually is rare, I don't mention it again.

Most of all you need to feel safe and comfortable while having respect for your therapists knowledge. I look at the therapeutic relationship as being sacred. It has the potential of being much more intimate that regular relationships. For this reason it is important to have a therapist who will not mix up the relationship with friendship. You may love each other very much but only in this very sacred professional way. I go to meetings and often see clients there. I will do fellowship after the meetings in the form of lunch or coffee and I don't hesitate to share these moments with my clients as long as it is in the context of the meeting. This is very difficult in a small town and I recommend talking freely about it with your therapist. This relationship is so sacred that often clients want to be friends too. I explain in the most loving way possible that I would not want to violate or taint the amazing thing that we have called the therapeutic relationship. It is difficult for many clients when they hear this and they may feel rejected. I try to be as compassionate and loving as possible as I explain the sacred nature of the relationship.

I hope this is helpful to any of you who feel that you might need therapy. It is a great and very bumpy ride full of surprises, thrills, and disappointments. Good fortune on your journey!

My interview with Corey Farley on the Buzz AM in Reno

2009-03-13T18:34:00.001-07:00

here is my interview on Blue Roots Radio with Chris Johnson

2009-02-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

We discuss the wacky Republicans and I make a diagnosis!

http://bluerootsradio.com/michele.mp3

If you like the book, please contribute

2009-02-22T08:54:00.000-08:00

no more than $5.00 please

Book: Shadow Story/Enlightened Truth

2009-01-13T06:37:00.000-08:00

SHADOW STORY/EVERLASTING TRUTH
A simple method for discovering and learning your life's lessons.

”If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will heal you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you what you do not bring forth will destroy you."
-Jesus from the Gospel of Thomas

INTRODUCTION

CHAPTER ONE- THE SHADOW STORY

CHAPTER TWO- WHAT KIND OF GOD WOULD CREATE SUCH A THING AS THIS

CHAPTER THREE- THE EVERLASTING TRUTH

CHAPTER FOUR- THE TIES THAT CAN BIND- THE FAMILY

CHAPTER FIVE- YOU AND ME BABE- INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP

CHAPTER SIX- CASE STORIES

CHAPTER SEVEN- FINAL THOUGHTS

LISTING OF EXAMPLES OF SHADOW STORIES

FREAK/ NOT GOOD ENOUGH/ UNWORTHY/
UNLOVABLE/ I DON'T EXIST/ FLAKE/
UNLIKEABLE/ LOSER/ UNSAFE/
I DON'T MATTER/ NOT IMPORTANT/ WRONG
STUPID/ BAD/ A BOTHER/
IT'S MY FAULT/ UNWANTED/ MISFIT/
REJECT/ FUCK UP/ EVIL/
UNDESERVING/ A DISAPPOINTMENT/ A BURDEN/
WORTHLESS/ DEAD/ BASTARD/
BIZARRE/ OVERLOOKED/ CRAZY/
TOXIC/ WASTE DUMP/ I CAN NEVER DO IT RIGHT/ UNDERDOG/
DUMB/ I'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING/

INTRODUCTION-STUMBLING UPON THIS METHOD.

We are born with the truth about ourselves. Then life happens and we begin to forget. This book is about recovering that original truth. Life is full of paradox and dualities. We can either be a victim of life or we can use life's circumstances as our curriculum for growth, learning, and our spiritual and human unfoldment.

I have been a spiritual therapist. teacher and student of spirit since 1980. I have taken many paths in an effort to be of service to my clients and to find out the truth about myself so that I can live a life of sane and happy usefulness. This desire led me to the concept of the Shadow Story.

I have always been attracted to the idea that the truth lies within our pain. While studying Buddhism and New Thought Principles, such as the Course in Miracles, I became interested in the idea that we all are 100 percent responsible for our present situation. That we become committed to the illusion of blame which cause us harm and suffering and which keep us from realizing our full potential in life.

Then, my desire to be of service lead me to the field of Domestic Violence. I began leading groups with men who had been arrested for Domestic Violence. It was required that I take a 4 day training to continue this work. This training introduced me to the concept of the Shadow Story. The concept grew out of Landmark Communications, which has been influenced by New Thought writers such as Napoleon Hill and Dale Carnegie.

After this training I began to use this method with clients and to make sense of it based on my own learning of metaphysics and eastern philosophy. It has worked for me and my clients have readily taken to the ideas. It has helped them to identify what keeps them struck and provides a way for them to see themselves differently so that they can step out into a new experience

Our Primary Issue

While working with couples, I realized with the help of Harvel Hendricks book, Getting the Love You Want, that we all seem to have a major issue which defines the painful interactions we have with our loved ones. Additionally, our major issue tends to make our choice in partner for us. For example, if our primary issue is abandonment, we are likely to pick someone who is either abandoning, or engulfing to help us live out and hopefully, heal from our primary issue which of course originates in childhood. Our choice brings up our original relationship interaction so that we can finally resolve it and move on. I found that when couples came to understand their partners issue, they were able to have compassion for their loved one rather than resentment. When each member of the couple could come to understand with compassion their own primary issue, then the real work in the relationship could begin.

The Shadow Story is the belief that we adopt about ourselves as children, as the result of painful experience. It usually is a statement of insufficiency or of something that is wrong with us. The Shadow Story defines our painful interactions and our beliefs. It is where we come from in terms of our negative belief about ourselves. It picks our partners and friends and work for us and it effects our family interactions. The Shadow Story defines and sets the stage for our "self fulfilling prophecy".
The Shadow Story is just that. It is a story that we have made up about ourselves. It is not the truth about us. Our job in life is to discover our Truth and to live from it.

The Everlasting Truth is the essence of good in us. It is all of our good qualities. For the purpose of this method the Everlasting Truth is defined and focuses on the undoing of our Shadow Story. It is always an affirmation that is the opposite of our Shadow Story. It affirms what is extraordinary in us. It cancels out the Shadow Story. Realizing our truth is not always an easy thing. It can require much work, and discipline. It may require the help of a good therapist and support group such as Codependents Anonymous or other support groups. Our Everlasting Truth the goal which guides our growth and movement toward our highest good. Life is a process of uncovering, discovering and discarding. Our job is to unlearn our Shadow Story and to realize the Truth that has always been within us. Once we know what our Everlasting Truth is we must step out into our challenges and face the world from this position of Truth. It helps us to take the risks necessary to create a loving safe world and to realize our highest potential in the area of our souls mission, our choice of livelihood, and all of our relationships.

THE SHADOW STORY-CHAPTER ONE

Lisa lost her mother at the age of 7 to a terminal illness. Her mother had been sick since she had been born and she had learned that her birth had compromised her mothers health. Lisa was Italian and was brought up Catholic. As the result of her experience, Lisa came to believe that she was at fault for her mothers death. So her Shadow Story is "It's My Fault".(The Everlasting Story will always be in quotes as it is not the truth)

James grew up in a family that was competitive and lacking in love and affection. One day his brother set a trap for him. While sledding, his brother put broken glass on the path where the boys use their hands to slow the sled down. When James went to slow down on the slope, his hands were badly cut. His brother laughed and his parents did not admonish James brother. James feelings were ignored and he was told that boys will be boys. As the result of this experience James story became "I'm Not Important"

Michele grew up in a home with two highly intelligent parents. When Michele was three, her father had a mental breakdown and during this time Michele was sexually molested by her father. Her reaction to this was so profound that her memory of the event was lost. What she took from this event and from her experience was that she was her daddy's favorite and that she was in competition with her mother. She knew that what had happened with her father was very wrong but she was fascinated by it at the same time. She always felt different than her friends, that she knew more than she should. As the result of her experience Michele came to the conclusion that she was a "Freak".

Frank was the youngest of three boys. By the time he was born, his father had begun to suffer from emotional problems. Frank was a very intelligent, very hyperactive little boy with true artistic talent. His father had no patience with him and was constantly reprimanding him for his curiosity and his "always getting into things". Frank also had learning disabilities and difficulty focusing, so when he got into school he got lots of attention for his problem. Frank's Shadow Story is that he is "A Loser".

All of us have had a childhood. Within our childhood's we have all had painful experience. When we are children, especially from age two to ten we believe that we are the center of the universe, that the world revolves around us. It is also at this time that we begin to form our identity and what we believe is true about us. It is important to remember that we are all born fresh and open to learning. We come in to this existence with a soul and with genetic material from our parents. These two factors influence our personality and our experience. Our soul picks our parents and our life lesson. In a sense, our soul picks our genetic material as well. So we are born with unlimited possibilities and certain limitations. This idea will be covered in more detail later in this book.

All of us develop a belief about ourselves as the result of our experience. Since we all have painful experiences in childhood we come to adopt a negative label about ourselves. The examples above show how these negative labels are adopted. Our Story is like our unwanted adopted child that we drag around with us, our burden in life.

Why do we have pain in childhood

In order to understand why we have pain in childhood, we must accept that human beings fall very short of being fully realized, self actualized entities. This can be understood historically and it can be understood spiritually.

I was recently talking to a friend about the Shadow Story and she asked if everyone has a Story. My response was that someone without a Story would never be triggered, would always act in a totally functional way and would practice no self defeating behaviors. Then she asked about healthy happy childhood's. I believe that healthy people are much less driven by their Story and the Story itself would not be as severe as someone with a painful childhood.

If we look up the family tree, we see that all of our forbears had Stories of their own. Dysfunction gets passed down from generation to generation. "The sins of the father are rested upon the son". A mother or a fathers story will have an effect on their child. This effect helps to generate a new Story. Each Story requires the unique spin that the individual child puts on the adoption of that Story. The parents do not define the Story, they contribute to it in the form of their own Story and the child comes to his or her own conclusions before adopting his or her own Story. Since the Story is made up in childhood, it is very simplistic and single minded and it sticks. The story is formed at a time in childhood usually between the ages of 3 and 10 when identity is being formed. The Story is like a tattoo that does not wash off. It can not be totally erased, A tattoo can be removed but there are always scars where the tattoo used to be. The Story can be worked on and healed from but remnants always remain. This dynamic is explained in the section on Having it and Being it.

The spiritual spin is an interesting one. It seems that we are living in a big schoolhouse called Earth. The nature of this reality seems to be fraught with difficulties and challenges starting with gravity. We experience natural disasters, war, violence, hatred, and selfishness here. This is not Heaven or Eden. The Buddhists say that "Suffering is part of the deal". It is through this suffering that we get the opportunities to learn to "surrender" and to find a modicum of peace, until the next challenge. Life on earth is finite so we all have the pain of losing loved ones as their time of transition comes. I will speak more on suffering in the chapter on spiritual philosophy. Suffice it to say that we do suffer here and we do also have great joy and beauty here. The suffering is what gives rise to our Story and the great joy and beauty is what gives rise to our ability to find our Everlasting Truth. Both of these realities must be acknowledged in order to find our souls purpose. Avoidance of either will stop us in our tracks and keep us stuck in a form of limbo.

So let's assume for the purpose of this book that we all have an Shadow Story and that we all have an Everlasting Truth. Some of us have more painful Stories than others because some of us have had more painful experience than others. Some of us are more committed to our Story than others, so our lessons will be more difficult and at times impossible.

I had a client named Rachel who had a difficult childhood, but not more difficult than most. She was the product of a divorce, and her dad had difficulty holding on to jobs and her mother suffered from depression which was long term. Rachel found herself in the middle when her parents divorced. It was her job to relay messages back and forth between her angry parents. She was the ping pong ball who changed allegiances regularly. Rachel turned to bingeing and vomiting to cope with her angst. Rachel's Everlasting Story was that she "Didn't Exist". She came to me for help with her eating disorder and she went to a Dr. for treatment of her depression. Rachel had a real stubborn streak in her. She was a real bright girl but she did not believe that she had any value at all since she "Didn't Exist". She would make vain attempts to do good things for herself, like entering college, finding part time work, only to get overwhelmed with it all. She would invariably drop out of whatever she was doing and enter her comfortable rut of hopelessness and nonexistence. Rachel was very fragile in her stubbornness. She would flee situations which were challenging to her. Rachel just was not up to the challenge. She began to speak about not wanting to live anymore. We worked on finding the right medications for her, but nothing seemed to work. Eventually Rachel went through a series of hospitalizations for suicidal depression. She dropped out of Spiritual Counseling and about one year later I got the call from her aunt that Rachel had killed herself. Rachel's Story was a dangerous one. She was also hopelessly committed to it.

NOW THAT YOU HAVE LEARNED THE BAD NEWS

Of primary importance to this method is the understanding and acceptance of the fact that we have something to heal from. As I said previously, lets assume that we all acknowledge that we all have stuff to heal from. This method supports the idea that a problem cannot be solved until it is defined. By defining the problem the solution or cure can be adopted. When an ill person goes to a medical Dr. for treatment a diagnosis will define that treatment. The same is true for the Shadow Story. Once you know what your Story is you can tailor make your treatment and in so doing free yourself from it's limitations.

SO WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THIS

It is important to consider the direction we take from realizing what our story is. The tendency is to blame our parents for our story. What results from this blaming is a feeling of victimhood and resentment toward our parents. When we are victims, we are stuck. When we are stuck, we cannot be open to healing. The first thing necessary with this method is to get out of the "blame game". Our parents are contributors to our experience. This cannot be denied. Our parents may have made some terrible mistakes with us. Our parents may have even been evil. But the development of our Shadow Story is a belief that we adopted as the result of our experience. If we can take ownership of this belief and take 100% responsibility for the adoption of this belief, we take the first step toward freeing ourselves of the victim role. The facts of our life are facts. They really did happen. But our conclusions about ourselves from these facts are our own. We take responsibility for the development of these conclusions. When we take responsibility for the development of our Story, we are empowered to change our mind about what really is true about us as individuals in the world. We can look at our Story and say "wait a minute, this is not the truth about me". And then we can start to liberate ourselves from limitation.

Responsibility and Blame

Whenever we find ourselves blaming either ourselves or someone else for our present condition, we are in illusion. Blame keeps us stuck in no solution. We become the victim of ourselves or of others. We become powerless over our life and situations. Consider an illustration from the Twelve Step Programs. The first step of Alcoholics Anonymous is that we have become powerless over alcohol and our life has become unmanageable. When you think about it, this powerlessness brings about a pretty sorry state of affairs. When we are powerless, we are addicted to whatever we are powerless over. If we are powerless over alcohol, then we will have an addictive relationship to it. If we are powerless over sex and relationship we will have an addictive relationship to it. If we deny our powerlessness we still remain addicted in the worse way. It is only through admitting and accepting powerlessness that we can become free of its grip and move on. When we take personal responsibility for our powerlessness we become open to acknowledging a greater power and the healing process can begin.

When we are in the victim role, that is what we will experience. When we take responsibility, not blame for our condition, we will begin to experience empowerment. If we come to realize that every little thing that happens to us, is there for us to show us a lesson about ourselves. Michael Ryce, in his taped series, "Why is this Happening to me Again" stress this idea. He says that if we are triggered by another's actions, that other becomes our teacher and that this state of resentment or pain provides a lesson for us to learn about ourselves. In this way we can make every pain productive for us. He even has a worksheet for working out these resentments called the "No Fault Empowerment Tool". This worksheet guides us through the resentment so we can take 100% responsibility for our triggers. If we are triggered, it is always about us. Our job is to find out what it is about us that causes us to be triggered by a certain individual or experience. In AA the fourth step essentially does the same thing. It is Take a Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory of Ourselves. The end result of the fourth step is finding out "what is my part".

In the field of Domestic Violence, the most important goal in the beginning of treatment is for the batterer to take responsibility for his part of the violence and to become accountable for it. The tendency is for the batterer to justify his behavior by stating "what she did to make me do this". Much of the work with the batterer is to acknowledge that she did some stuff but that her doing stuff does not make the batterer batter. Even when provoked, we all must be accountable and take responsibility for our own actions.

The benefits of blame

If there were no benefits to blame, we wouldn't get so caught up in it. I recently asked one of my Domestic Violence groups the question, "when you are truly at fault and blame someone else, what is the benefit". One man said that when he blames someone or something else, he gets immediate relief from blame. Then I asked where the feelings of guilt go. Most of the men in the group said that the feelings get buried and stuffed either to become a flashpoint of violence or to become a hardening of the heart. These men knew that we blame to avoid feelings of pain but that in that avoidance the pain increases and eventually is acted out in violence or an inability to feel anything, particularly remorse. So in essence there are no real benefits to blame. The benefit comes once we take full responsibility for our present condition.

Many have difficulty with the idea of labeling ourselves with a negative story. The belief is that affirming the positive will create a positive world and a positive experience. This is very true. Care must be taken not to use affirmations as a way of denying a limiting belief that is making all of our decisions for us.

HAVING IT RATHER THAN BEING IT

What is held in the unconscious rules us and defines our existence.. Jay's story is that he is "unworthy". Jay has a driving success.. His Curriculum Vitae is as thick as a book. He is financially successful and has two beautiful and successful children. But he still has the pain of his "unworthiness". All of his driving efforts go to proving the falsity of his Story while still fully committed to his "unworthiness".

Jay is often triggered as the result of his story. When he is hurt by a colleague or ignored by a loved one the first thing that comes to him is that he is the pain of his Story. He is being his story. His story defines his whole being and he usually gets angry and frustrated at others in a effort to resolve the pain of his "unworthiness" Story. And the outcome can only be "I Lose"

When we are inside of our Story we take all of these painful events personally and we unconsciously build the case of our Shadow Story. We are then in the position of being a victim in life. We say to ourselves, "I hurt because he or she is neglectful or abusive of me" "I am unworthy because she treats me this way" It doesn’t occur to us to realize that another person may be abusive because that person is being his or her own Story. Another persons abusiveness may have nothing to do with us. But when we are "in our Story", we believe it has everything to do with us. We tend to personalize these events of abuse asking, "what did I do to deserve this". In terms of responsibility for another's abuse, it may be appropriate to consider that we may trigger something in the abusive person, but that does not mean that there is anything wrong with us. When we are in our story it is all about us as victims and there is no way out of the victim position

Expressers,Internalizers, Reactors, and Projectors

As I just exlained, when we are being our story we are totally immersed in it and totally identified and committed to it. In other words, it is us. While being our story we can either express it, react to it by trying to prove the opposite true or we may project it on to others in an effort to unconsciously deny it. If we express unworthiness we act unworthy and defeated. If we react to unworthiness we try to prove it wrong by doing things which will get approval from others in other words we will try harder. This gives rise to human doings rather than human beings. If we project "unworthiness" we will see others as unworthy. Jay reacts to it with his success and accomplishments and he projects it on to others by blaming them and making them unworthy of his time. There is more on projection in the chapter on spirit.

When we have our story it is outside of us. If it is outside of us we can have a relationship with it as something other than us. We can in essence say "No thank you" to it. When we have it we can identify it and treat it. This is what gives us the power to change and to be liberated from the hold that our Story has over us. Having it requires the discipline of being conscious when we are triggered.

This may help to explain why some individuals are in the victim role and some take the perpetrator role. Victim tend to be story expressers/internalizers while perpetrators tend to be reactors and projectors. The victim/perpetrator dynamic is a system where both parties are highly committed to being in their stories. The only way out of the system is to rise above the level of
Story and take action from Truth. This holds true for the perpetrator as well as the victim. Most of the perpetrating men I work with are victims of their Story. They do not know how to empower themselves in an effective way and they cannot learn to do so until they believe they have enough worth to honor themselves. It is through honoring themselves that they are able to honor others, especially the women they love. Perpetrators puff themselves up in an artificial way(reactors) to cover up their feelings of inadequacy. Victims deflate themselves in the shadow of the perpetrator as the result of their feelings of inadequacy. Both victim and perpetrator co-write an elaborate play based on the Shadow Story.

A word about predators. A small percentage of people exist in this world who have been so thoroughly abused and discarded in combination with certain genetic predisposition's, that they loose their ability to function from the level of heart. They are patently unable to feel remorse or empathy and unable to take any responsibility for their actions. These people are also operating on the level of their Shadow Story, but in a very frightening and inhuman way. These individuals seem to be hopelessly unable to find and acknowledge their Everlasting Truth in an honest and authentic way. This method would prove ineffective for these individuals

TRIGGER IS NOT ROY ROGERS HORSE

A trigger is an event which sends us into a fear/pain spiral which is often expressed as anger, frustration, shame, or pain. Triggers exist in the area of the unconscious and are expressed in our body as a physical event, like a rise in blood pressure, flushing, stomach flutters, intestinal cramps, sweating. Our body communicates our intuition to us, this is our cue to do some serious "belly button contemplation". This is our opportunity to look inside and ask ourselves, "how is this about my Story" if we simply ask the question this process pops right up into the conscious mind ready for some serious truth treatment.

Once we realize that being triggered is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, we can begin to notice categories of situations which trigger us. Yvonne's Shadow Story is that she is "a bother". When she is being her story she reacts to it by being a people pleaser who tries diligently to avoid confrontations, in an effort to not be a bother. After a while her avoidance builds frustration and Yvonne begins to be her story by acting strident and arrogant. Her anger and frustration over her people pleasing brings up her story and it is expressed in this "know it all attitude", and those around her become bothered by her. While speaking with Yvonne about her triggers, She began to talk about the type of relationships she attracts. Her mother is a "know it all" who tends to be controlling in an effort to be helpful. Her mother picks up on Yvonne's pain and feels that she needs to compensate for Yvonne's "I know you don't love me attitude" which comes from her story. When her mother does this Yvonne becomes triggered and fights or flees. Yvonne has had numerous abusive intimate relationships where men tried to control her. She also seems to be attracted to friendships where she is in the position of being controlled. Yvonne is triggered by controlling people. When I asked her what it is in her which brings her controllers, she acknowledged that she hates the part of her that is controlling and "know it all" so she hates that in others as well. She is bothered by people who act like a bother. Yvonne disowns this part of herself, only to attract it to her. The reason we attract the aspects of ourselves that we disown is because this aspect needs to come up for us so we can heal our Shadow Story. Our Story gets us coming and going so to speak. If we disown it, it shows up in the people in our lives as triggers. (See the section on manifestation for a further explanation of this). If we are expressing our story it gets us in the form of the pain resulting from our belief in our limitation.

I DON'T HAVE A STORY

Some people feel that they just don't have a Shadow Story. These people usually show up when I give a short lecture on the topic. I imagine that the subject has not been adequately explained, because when someone comes to me as a client we are invariably able to come up with a Story that fits for them.

The other thing I have noticed amongst the people who claim to not have a Story is that these people tend to have a need to be perfect and have a defensive attitude about anything that might be perceived as negative. I was recently talking to a woman named Ruby who initially was very adamant that she did not have a Story. Ruby is a woman who is very committed to her spirituality and has taken all kinds of self help workshops. She is perfectionistic and very accomplished and talented in a broad range of areas.
She became argumentative and defensive in conversation about her Story and so I backed off and respected and validated her feelings. At another gathering, we began to talk about the Story again and she said that she really does not want to know her Story because she feared that it might take her into painful areas of her childhood that she does not want to remember. Again, I totally backed off respecting her rights to her privacy.

What I do find in people who have very healthy happy childhood's is that they are not run as much by their Story. They often have a more difficult time identifying their Story, but I rarely hear that they don't have one. They are triggered less and do not take things personally when things are not about them. I see these same attributes in people who have done lots of work around Story and Everlasting Truth. They become more self actualized and begin to manifest success in their work and in their relationships.

TEASING

A word of caution about teasing others. Once we become aware of another's Shadow Story, some of us have a tendency to want to tease and mock them for their Story. This practice is to be avoided at all costs. When we come in touch with our Story, we are in touch with the most vulnerable place of pain that we have ever experienced. We must make a great effort to honor others integrity and respond and affirm their Everlasting Truth rather than to mock their Story.

If you happen to be a person who teases, perhaps it would be beneficial to look at the teasing as a form of projection and see what this has to do with your own Story. This has proven to be a very helpful exercise because when we identify how our teasing is about our own Story, we can eliminate the teasing as the result of our commitment to come from our own Everlasting Truth. Our attempts to eliminate teasing as an external rule, "teasing is not OK" rather than from the level of compassionately understanding our own Shadow Story, will prove ineffective. External rules are made to be broken by our Shadow Story. If we can compassionately understand our own teasing tendencies as the result of our own Story we can make our own internal commitment to ourselves. Internal commitments are much more likely to be honored that external rules.

A SENSE OF HUMOR

Once we know what our Story is and have begun to do the work on our Everlasting Truth we will become more comfortable with the concept. As we become more comfortable, we can begin to have fun with the concept. A sign of growth is the ability to have a sense of humor about ourselves and our limitations. This sense of humor is not away to demean ourselves but a way to lighten up what used to be a huge burden. When we can laugh about our Shadow Story we are on the road to healing. It is important to keep our eyes on the prize while we are lightening up about ourselves. The prize is our Everlasting Truth. While it is important to have a sense of humor about ourselves, it is equally important to honor and respect ourselves and others. This is why it is essential that we do not tease another about their story.

CHAPTER 2
WHAT KIND OF GOD COULD CREATE SUCH A THING AS THIS

There are really only two emotions, LOVE and FEAR. Love comes from the God consciousness and fear comes from the ego. Ego is defined as EDGING GOD OUT. So first lets talk about what God is and then we will talk about the Ego.

God is really anything that you believe God to be. The only requirement of the definition is that your concept of God must be greater than you. In Alcoholics Anonymous God is often the Group of Drunks purely because two heads are better than one. Another requirement is that Love is God. So this idea of God is that he is Loving and Knowing, more than you are. If this God was not loving or knowing more than you are why would you ever even turn to this God. Also somewhere in this conception Good must abound.

The other part of the deal is that God is the thread that runs through all of us. It is within and without us. It is everywhere. In Buddhist terms it is enlightenment, or light. God is All Powerful, All Loving, All Knowing and the essence of Good.

The ego serves as our "little self" It is the part of us that creates fear and selfishness and the belief in lack. It is inherently so much weaker than our God self that it really needs to think of crafty ways to stay in power. So the ego is the part of us that creates our Shadow Story. The ego's job is to keep us in fear and weakness, that is it's strength.

Here is another way of looking at the God Ego dichotomy. If you get the Disney Channel or if you are a Baby Boomer, you may have seen this wonderful Disney Cartoon. It is a snowy winters day and Pluto(Mickey's dog) is out playing by the stream. There are little ice bergs floating down the stream. Pluto notices that there is a bag floating on one of these little bergs. Well, Pluto is a curious dog so he grabs the bag in his mouth and drops it on the shore. As he drops the bag it opens up and out pops the cutest little kitty. It is important to remember that Pluto is a dog and that dogs are very loyal to their masters. Pluto enjoyed his position of being the only pet. When Mickey saw the kitty he was delighted. He welcomed the kitty with open arms. This needless to say made Pluto very jealous. Well, kitties being kitties, this little guy noticed the bucket hanging from a pole at the top of the proverbial water well. In jumped the kitty and down went the bucket with kitty in it to the bottom of the well. You can imagine Pluto's dilemma. Mickey is nowhere to be found as Pluto is looking down the deep well to the mewing kitten, up pop two little Pluto's on each of Pluto's shoulders. One resembled an angel with halo and wings and the other had two little horns and a spiked tail. Next comes the dilemma which we all ultimately face. What should Pluto do with this little sunken kitty. The ego Pluto yells, "Let that kitty drown, he is just taking all of the attention from Mickey and this way you wont have that kitty to worry about anymore", picking the selfish, self centered solution. Then the God Pluto says, "save that kitty, be merciful, be kind" Well, you all know the end of the story, for after all this is a Disney cartoon….

Affirmations

Affirmations are a form of spiritual brainwashing. In this instance "brainwashing" refers to clearing our minds of error consciousness so that we can be grounded in Truth. All of us have an internal dialogue which originates from our Story. We are constantly reprimanding ourselves for mistakes and talking ourselves out of our faith. Most of this internal dialogue focuses on fear and judgment. I was working with a client named Diana who has struggled with the messages that she has gotten from her mother. They are basically, "you are a hypochondriac" "you'll live", "quit feeling sorry for yourself" and "don't make such a big deal out of everything". She also got a lot of bad girl good girl stuff. Now her struggle is that she has adopted her mothers voice as her own internal dialogue. Now she feels guilty when she sleeps in, she discounts her injuries and illnesses as hypochondriasis, and she has a terrible time setting her own boundaries. Diana's Shadow Story is that she "doesn't matter". It is time for her to claim this internal dialogue as her own so that she can make the necessary changes in her thinking and internal dialogue.

Here is where the spiritual brainwashing comes in. Every time she negates herself with, "quit feeling sorry for yourself:", she counters with "cancel that" and then says an affirmation of truth such as I matter to myself enough to sleep in today and take good care of myself.

The process is the same for the Shadow Story. There is an extraordinary Everlasting Truth that precedes and reigns over our Story. This Truth speaks to our goodness, our worthiness and our enoughness. This clients Truth is that she is matters and is worthy of loving self care and all the good things that life has to offer.

Manifestation

In the spiritual realm, our consciousness manifests in our reality. Whatever we put our attention on will come to manifest in our world. If we live a life of fearing poverty, that sets the stage for poverty to enter our lives. As Wayne Dyer says what we really, really, really want comes to pass for us. And by the same token, what we really, really, really don't want comes to pass for us. So we need to be careful about the really part. Our Story is a "really". If we focus on Story, Story comes to us in all things. If we focus on Truth, Truth comes to us in all things. It really is just as simple as that. Whatever we attach really to we attach reality to.

Humans like to explain manifestation as coincidence. The ego is cunning and baffling. If we explain manifestation as coincidence we take no responsibility for the outcomes in our life. If we take no responsibility, we are powerless. If we are powerless, we are stuck in limitation and the ego is in control. If we look at all outcomes as manifestation of thought (really's), then we can be active participants in the wonder of life and the universe. We become the playwright rather than the actor in our Story. This manifestation idea can show itself in the whole fabric of our lives from basic trends to the minutia.

A few weeks ago, before Domestic Violence Group my partner and I were having a personal conversation about intimate relationships we talked about male/female games and non intimate sex in relationship. We hurriedly finished our conversation because group was about to start. We always let the group decide the topic for the day based on difficulties that the men in the group are having. They wanted to talk about male/ female games and then the conversation lead to the idea of non intimate sex. My partner and I did not say a word about these two subjects, but the thought manifested in the group. Psychologists call this counter-transference. I call this manifestation. My partner and I just looked at each other and laughed. My partner is a behaviorist so he would have a behaviorist explanation which would take the life out of the experience. I, the spiritual counselor chalk it up to the wonder of life. I think it is more fun that way.

One of my favorite movies is Corinna, Corinna. Corinna, played by Whoopie Goldberg, is a maid/nanny who is hired by a man who has just lost his wife. He has a five year old daughter, Molly who is in a state of shock from her mothers death and who as a result, stops speaking. Not only is Corinna Molly's nanny, she is also her angel. Corinna is a very feisty, smart, sassy, spiritual woman. Molly's dad is creative jingle writer and he is also an atheist. Corinna teaches Molly that her mother is in heaven with all the angels. This soothes Molly's spirit. Molly begins to fall in love with Corinna, as she adopts her own spiritual beliefs. At one point in the movie, Molly comes into her fathers bedroom. He is lying on the bed, clearly depressed and sad. Molly tries to cheer him up by bouncing on the bed and playing with him. When she sees that this is not working, she says, "Corinna says you are sad because Mommy gets to be with the Angels all the time and you don't. Molly's father looks at her in exasperation and explains that some people make up the idea of God and Angels just to make them feel better. And Molly says with a deep question in her voice, "So what's wrong with that?"

We become seekers of truth to help us to feel better, and it works. Having a faith in a higher power has the ability to transform a persons experience in a very positive way. Alcoholics Anonymous is so successful because of the Third Step: "Became willing to turn my will and my life over to God as I understood God". Carl Jung stressed the need for a "Spiritual Experience" for transformation from addiction and other of life's problems. Researchers are even using LSD with hopeless addicts in an effort to provide them with a Spiritual Experience and it is working. Many skeptics get caught up in the idea of provability of God. It really does not matter if it is provable. What matters is does it make us feel better. The skeptics might call us "happy idiots, but at least we are happy.

PROJECTION

Projection is another way to avoid responsibility for our story, our thoughts, and our attitudes. If we are being run by our story, and we have a repulsion of it we might project it on to others in a effort to get rid of it. Projection is a way the mind transfers our own reality on to another. There is a broader concept at work here. All of this transpires on an unconscious level. We have resistance to our story so we unconscsciously try to unload it on to someone else. Another way of looking at projections is that what we do not hold in consciousness and embrace as a source for our lesson, what we do not hold in consciousness will define what we perceive and what we project in the world. Jesus said, " If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will heal you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you".

This is easier explained by example. Lets talk about Lisa, who I introduced in the beginning of the book. Her Shadow Story is "it's is my fault". If this is not brought into consciousness by Lisa, she might project her Story and lay blame on everyone around her. In fact, Lisa who is now in her 70's has made a very comfortable life for herself. She lives very close to her children and is a generous and loving mother and grandmother. She is very politically minded and is astutely intelligent. She spends a good deal of her time talking about political corruption and ineffective politicians and their laws and platforms. She has become critical and negative with regard to politics. Lisa passionately finds fault in the world around her. Her Story permeates her perception. In the arena of her family however she is truly loved and respected. She is a safe person for her children and children to confide in. Lisa has unconsciously set up an us and them dynamic in her life. She gets to project her blame on politics and to generously spread her love to her family and friends. The effort to avoid bringing forth her story for processing creates an unsafe corrupt world for her. If Lisa were to find her Everlasting Truth and do the work necessary to live from that Truth, her world view might be greatly changed. The truth of the corruption and inefficiency would still exist, but it might not be a source for bitterness for Lisa. If she is not embittered then she could create positive and resourceful action for her loving energy. She would not harm herself with her own bitterness. This changed world view would then contribute to changing the world.

CO-CREATION

What we project has an effect. The obvious effect is the effect this projection has on us. On a more subtle level, what we project effects the world as well. We are all co-creators with God. Who we are and what we perceive and project has an effect which is transported beyond our body limit into the world. Imagine a projector. The image begins with the film and them we shine light through it. The light sends the image out a great distance and if this light touches something its image will form on that object, such as a screen. The same is true with perceptual projection. Our Story provides the film and thought is the light form. "When we project our thought through our story, it gets radiated out around us and it will manifest on whatever it falls on. Each of us on the earth is a projector radiating thought forms on whatever gets in front of us. This thought form can project limitless distances. In this way our thought, forms the world. So we have to ask ourselves if we would rather project our Story or our Truth. This is how we are co-creators with God and each other.

Notice how when we are in the presence of a particularly negative person, we will begin to feel uncomfortable and then if we stay, we will begin to feel tainted and toxic. We are feeling the projection of another's negativity. If we stay in this presence for too long we will surrender to the thought form and become very negative ourselves, even if the negativity is to complain in a negative way about the others negativity. Negativity breeds negativity. Story gives rise to Story. When I get tainted by negativity, I become "intolerant of intolerance".

This is precisely how riots occur. A thought form gets carried through a crowd like contagion. This thought form takes hold and grows until mayhem and destruction are the outcome. Crowd psychology can be explained by projection in this way. Energy is always swarming around us and we need to be very careful to choose what we want to touch us. When we live in a violent situation, the energy form of the violence needs a victim to complete the system. With enough violence and control on the part of one person, a whole family of victims will emerge as the result of the projection of control. We are all profoundly effected by the energy around us.

So many of us have lofty ideals of how we can contribute to the world. So we become lawyers, politicians, social workers and the like. Corruption comes from the sense of hopelessness that is projected from the old timers in the system. The old-timers youthful zeal is converted into hopelessness. Lawyers who work with criminals are effected by the criminals that they represent. They take on the projection of the criminals hatred, hopelessness, and inability to take responsibility for ones own actions. Social workers get burnt out, depressed and hopeless as the result of having depression and hopelessness projected onto them from their clients in pain. Politicians begin with a desire to change the world only to become corrupt by the projection of desire for external power and the hopelessness that results from that quest. This dynamic is present in all professions and walks of life. It comes from living in the illusion of our Shadow Story.

This is an explanation for the popular for the phrase "the s--t rolls downhill. In actuality we all get in the line of fire through projection of millions Stories at any given moment. Imagine how the world would change if we all started living in our Truth and projecting it.

Duality

Duality is a part of our experience. It abounds in nature, hot/cold, light/dark, masculine/feminine. It also abound in our thinking, good/bad, right/wrong, hopeless/hopeful, positive/negative.

Duality brings rise to judgment. The most common human judgment is that of good/bad, right /wrong. This good/bad, right/wrong thing is what gets us in to trouble in terms of getting us stuck. It is the most difficult thing just to let things be. When we judge something as bad we have a visceral reaction within our body. It feels like revulsion. When we judge something as good our reaction is to be attracted to it like a bee to honey. This can give rise to grasping and addiction. The human reaction to negative is to shrink from it. It is a spiritual law that what we resist persists. Our important lesson is to be free of the revulsion which is caused by perceived valence(attraction/repulsion) of an occurrence. In turn, when we judge positive, the lesson is to be free of grasping and coveting. Many feel that if we do not experience this revulsion/attraction, that we would lose our morals and our values and always do bad things. This is why religion was formed in the first place.

The belief was that humans are heathens who need to be trained into goodness. It was felt that an order must be imposed upon them to direct them in the right direction. Unfortunately religion was developed by humans functioning within the same attraction/repulsion model, so it was deduced that the best way to get other humans to follow these lofty edicts, was to instill fear of eternal punishment. Fear is a great motivator. It has worked to some extent at the cost of autonomy and peace of mind.

Buddhism and Jesus original teachings did not use fear as a way to teach. These teachings stress non judgment as the cornerstone to enlightenment. On a higher spiritual plane when we become committed to enlightenment, fear is not necessary. We want to have right speech, right action, right intention, just for the sake of the rightness of it and for the benefits we receive such as serenity, a sense of usefulness and grace. We are afraid that if we don't fear that we will do wrong. This is why Jesus said that it is God's good pleasure to give us the kingdom and that the kingdom is within. He let us know that we are capable of even greater works, that all we have to do is love God with all our heart and mind. Jesus and the Buddha lived in the conviction that we can function from love.

Duality gives rise to paradox and irony. Resistance breeds hatred and pain and fear. The paradox is that the way out of our pain lies within the pain. It is the pain that shows us the way. When we go there, into the pain, we feel profound emotion. Humans are trained to avoid all emotion except for those we judge as positive. If we perceive the emotion as negative, then we are repelled by it and we then miss the opportunity to heal from it. We avoid it at all costs and we retreat into the momentary relief that escape brings. A life changing lesson occurs when we have the realization that profound emotions are life giving rather than life threatening.

While working in the field or eating disorders, I was working with a young woman, Susan. Susan had been molested and beaten by her older brother. Rather than feel her anger and rage at this violation, she retreated into bingeing and vomiting. Her memories of this devastating experience were up for her and she was in a particularly difficult relapse accompanied by a numbing depression. In our group, I asked Susan how she felt about anger. She responded that she was afraid of it. She felt that if she went into her anger, that it would get so huge that it would never stop. She felt that her anger would kill her. The paradox her is that her avoiding these profound emotions was killing her because she replaced the expression of them with bingeing and vomiting.

We gently began to talk about her anger. She told the story of the rape and then I asked Susan to tell her brother, "you were wrong". I had her continue repeating this phrase as if she were speaking to him directly. The more she repeated it the louder she became. Then she stood up and started screaming it at the top of her lungs. This whole time I was gently encouraging her in a soft loving voice. She became so animated that I held on to her by her belt around her jeans. This provided her with a lifeline to reality so that she would know that she was still in the present in the group. This young woman screamed for 15 minutes. As I looked at the other group members, they were all in tears, remembering their own injustices. They also were benefiting from her empowering anger work. When Susan was finished, she was exhausted and she was at peace. I looked at her face as she left the group and she looked like a different person from the depressed young woman who came in that day. She had a light in her eye and a serene smile on her face. She felt a sense of relief because she had disgorged all of the anger that she had been holding in a safe, nurturing environment. She experienced a reprieve from the need to disgorge the contents of her stomach in a vain attempt to affirm her profound anger. She also learned that it was possible to feel this powerful emotion and not die.

The tendency is for us to resist the idea of the Shadow Story because we attach a negative valence to it. It is this resistance which gives our Story its power and control. When we surrender this resistance and realized that our Story is there to help and guide us we can begin to percieve ourselves in a much more positive light. We can live in the authenticity of our whole being We can then perceive our ego as a teacher rather than the enemy. It is such a beautiful thing to see the tears of joy on a persons face when they come to understand how their Shadow Story has ruled all of their self defeating decisions. It is also a beautiful thing to see a family member suddenly have compassion as the result of understanding another's Shadow Story. I recently experienced my own family reunion. I was dreading the reunion because of one family member. Janie who was attending. Janie had a very profound effect on me because I judged her to be brash and arrogant and very loud and insensitive. During a family conversation my mother asked me to help Janie with her Shadow Story. I explained the concept to Janie and immediately she knew what her Story was. She "didn't exist". I suddenly understood why she was so loud and boisterous and angry. She was compensating for her story. I now had compassion for her and began to enjoy her for the first time in 30 years and she got so much softer as a result of understanding her own story. It was a win, win situation.

We always resist what we fear. When we understand with compassion, we no longer have reason to fear. We can lovingly say this just is. We can say yes to it or we can say no thank you to it. The valence is lost and the trigger effect disappears. When we resist discovering our Story by saying that we don't have one, it is probably because we think the Story is a "bad" thing. There is nothing at all wrong with having a Story, in fact it is really quite a gift. It shows us what our Everlasting Truth is and helps us define our Everlasting Truth Affirmation for us. Now we can begin to covert our affliction into our gift with the blessing of conscious awareness.

CHAPTER THREE- OUR EVERLASTING TRUTH

This idea of the Truth about ourselves can be implemented once we understand, with compassion our Shadow Story. We all came by our Story honestly. When we acknowledge it we can move on into our Everlasting Truth. Once we realize our Truth, it is important to become committed to it through spiritual brainwashing. We allow this truth to be our new mantra rather than listening to our internal dialogue. If we keep repeating our truth, eventually we will come to believe it and it will come to define our actions.

The best affirmations are the ones that make us blush, cry and shake our heads in disbelief. They are also very difficult to remember. The reason for this goes back to that pesky ego. Remember that the egos job is to stay in control. It devises all of this internal dialogue to maintain its control through fear. So our ego just doesn't comprehend and in fact is quite threatened by the idea that we are powerful beyond measure.

To quote Marianne Williamson :

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.

We Ask ourselves:
who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people will not feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not in just some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

When I read this quote to clients in my practice, they often cry. They cry because they know this is true and each of us hungers for the conviction that there is another way to live and another way to look at ourselves. There is another script that goes far beyond our Story into the realm of the extraordinary. We all want to believe that this is possible for us. The diligent use of affirmations will help us to this end.

When and How

Affirmations need to be uttered everyday. I like the idea of including them in our prayers both morning and night. Actually all prayers are best said in the form of affirmations rather than in pleadings. Instead of "God, Please help me to eat only that which I need for my health and well being". You might pray "God, I affirm that I will eat just what is necessary for my health beauty and well being, thank you" This is a much more powerful
statement. It is a statement of intention which doesn't leave much room for doubt. The ego just hates that stuff. It just shrinks at the thought of it. So include your Truth Affirmation in your prayers. And then whenever you think of it. Especially if you are triggered into your pain. It is a direct antidote to the Shadow Story's script.

I met a lovely woman at a retreat where I presented this information. She shared that whenever anyone asks her how she is. she always responds with "I am blessed" This woman had tremendous light in her eyes even though she has been through much pain in her life. All her affirmation work is working for her.

This is precisely how our God self and our Ego self interact all the time. So back to the Shadow Story.

The ego needs the Shadow story to maintain control of its domain which is fear and lack. This earthbound power keeps us from utilizing the true gifts that we are. It keeps us in pain and limitation. It keeps us stuck.

So our job as spiritual beings having a human experience is to realize that the Story is just a story that our egos made up to keep us separated from the true power of the God self. Gary Zukov in his book Seat of the Soul speaks of authentic power verses external power. Authentic power is loving kind and forgiving. It has compassion and is grounded in the truth. It is God based. As the Buddhists say "Hatred Never Ceases by Hatred, but by Love alone is it Healed" . External power gets puffed up by money property and prestige. It is only the illusion of power. It is not true it can only bring suffering and striving. External power is of the ego.

The role of consciousness

Amazing things can happen when we bring our stuff into the conscious mind. As I said before, when we become conscious of our "stuff", we can utilize it for our learning. Our "stuff" provides the curriculum for turning our affliction into our gift. If we are asleep to out stuff, or even if we are awake to it, but hate and judge it, it will rule us. The Everlasting Story is the fuel for all of our "stuff".

When learning to meditate, the student is urged to clear the mind. Part of the clearing of the mind involves becoming aware of all the thoughts that intrude on the mind. The student of meditation is told to visualize these thoughts as clouds in the sky. To allow them to come into the picture and to freely let them flow out with the wind. Peace comes from accepting that our striving and judging the clouds does not make them go. Our striving has no effect on the clouds at all. So all we have to do is allow them and watch as they float by. This is awareness without judgment.

Once we have this awareness without judgment, we can then treat it with love and compassion, and then we can begin to heal. The Everlasting Story serves the purpose of bringing up issues for treatment. It serves as the way of getting into that "yellow waxy buildup" that coats the very corners of our consciousness so that we may heal and grow and evolve spiritually. Our story is our curriculum generator. It has a very useful purpose for good.

SO ONCE YOU HAVE GOT IT WHAT THE HECK DO YOU DO WITH IT

You remember I was sharing about having it verses being it. Lets review that a little before we move on. When we are being our story, we are totally enmeshed with it. It rules us and its sustenance is unconsciousness. Once we know what our story is, then we can have it just like those clouds floating across the sky. It is now around us rather than us. It now no longer rules us. Now it shows us that it is high time to treat this little bugger with the truth. So now comes the next step in the process.

DISCOVERING THE TRUTH

The ego wants us to live in the illusion of our Story. Once we know what our individual story is, we can then begin the diligent work of realizing our truth. This process involves thinking and action.

THE THINKING PART

The thinking part of the process involves developing our Affirmation of Truth and believing that it is true. I was working with an inmate in jail once. Her Shadow Story was that she was "unwanted". She told the story of her mother having a succession of boyfriends who raped her and that her mother had abandoned her by not protecting her. Then her mother got in trouble with drugs and she was sent to a foster home. It was clear that her story was "unwanted" and she had ample proof from her childhood experience. We were standing in front of a group of 40 other inmates, and I asked her what her truth really was. She said "the truth is that I am unwanted" I explained to her that that was her Story, but the truth of her goodness was there at birth. She disagreed and said that the truth was that she was "unwanted". It was clear that this young woman was fully committed to her Story. At this point, the other inmates started getting upset because she could not see any other possibility except that she was "unwanted". They easily were able to see the truth about her, that she was an intelligent, strong, worthwhile woman. But she just couldn't see it. This woman had very little chance of changing until she could realize that she was born innocent and good and that that goodness is the truth about her.

THIS IS AN INSIDE JOB

The irony of this way of looking at things is that it really does not matter what others are able to see. The transformation comes when the individual begins to look at self differently. For example, a woman thinks that she is unattractive because her father used to say, "get your ugly face out of here". This woman is not a Julia Roberts, but she is an attractive, pleasant looking woman. It does not matter how often she is told that she is pretty, she still thinks that she is ugly. The Story cannot change from the outside in. People who are committed to their Stories often fish for compliments from others incessantly to no avail.

I have a friend, Leah who's Story is that she is "Wrong". Her whole life has been devoted to getting approval from her father who was very rejecting when she became a teenager. Her father was very flirtatious and sexual with all of her female friends but not toward her. What she had not realized was that the reason he was cold to her was because he was attracted to her. Leah was a very beautiful young woman and her dad was very afraid of his attraction to her because he did not want to violate his fatherly role with her. All Leah felt was that there was something wrong with her. Most of her adult life has been devoted to getting men attracted to her because if they are attracted it means that there is nothing "wrong" with her and she has achieved daddies love. Leah was attracting men all over the place but she still felt that she was flawed and "wrong". This is one of the reasons it is called the Everlasting Story. Leah's work has been centered around realizing that she is wonderful and has a right to take up space and to affirm her truth wherever she is. Since she has been doing this work, not only has she given up emotional affairs, but her relationship with her father has profoundly changed. For the first time in her life he is telling her how beautiful and wonderful she is and more importantly, he is honoring her truth. Leah often gets triggered back into "I'm wrong", but it has been a revelation for her to see and affirm that she can speak her truth once she realizes that she has been triggered. This has happened because she has become conscious of her Story and has the willingness to think about herself differently and then to take the action of asserting her truth.

TAKING THE ACTION

This is where the real commitment to our healing is tested. Unfortunately, insight of our story is not sufficient to heal us. Often insight is the booby prize, if it is not accompanied by right action. Right action is a Buddhist concept which is one of the five precepts. Once we know what our Affirmation of Truth is we must act as if it is true. This means that our life will become more risk taking than when we used to rest in the barcolounger of our Story. Our story can become the "rut that we furnish with our best velvet furniture and Persian rugs". When we become committed to our truth we leave our comfort zone and enter the realm of infinite possibilities. Like Chuck C. said in his book about Spiritual recovery from alcoholism, "A New Pair of Glasses", "you cannot think your way into better living, you must live your way into better thinking". Once we know what our Everlasting Truth is it is time to step out and act as if it were already true. A wonderful man named Jack Boland, a Unity minister started a prayer group practice called Masterminding which uses affirmations and prayer on a group level. Once you begin affirming your truth, the practice can become even more powerful if others are also affirming your truth in a prayerful way. This group support provides a system of accountability as well, where your partners support you to step into this new realm of possibilities. One of the speps of the Mastermind process is to assume that your request has already been met. Ask and you shall receive, seek and it shall be given.

HONORING SELF

Knowledge of our Everlasting Truth will enable us to have a different relationship with our self. The Shadow Story gives rise to selfishness, self centeredness and codependency. The Everlasting Truth enables us to honor self in an honest and respectful way. The puritan ethic is based on self sacrifice. Since we live in a culture which promotes this ethic it feels very "against the grain" to live in a way that is self honoring. The truth is that if we are self honoring others will have a new respect and kindness toward us. We will attract other self honoring people which will foster loving relationships and interdependency rather than codependency.

Interdependency is the relationship that two people who know themselves and honor that knowledge, have. When we are in an interdependent relationship each person relies on inner strength and shares that strength with the other to promote support of each others recovery. Codependency assumes an emptiness within, which seeks out another to fill that emptiness. It creates an unhealthy symbiosis and in the end it fails. Codependents tend to complain about the other because they sense the failure of the other to fix them. It is only when we can take 100 % responsibility for our own happiness and fulfillment that we can have and inter-dependent relationship with another.

Kahil Gibran speaks of having gaps in our togetherness and that we are each like two pillars standing tall and strong, supporting the relationship in our strength. Honor of self brings about this strength. Knowledge of our Everlasting Truth gives focus to the direction we need to take in order to honor ourselves.

Once we become committed to this new way of living in the action of your Everlasting Truth, your world will change. Your relationships will change and your opportunities will abound. People are unconsciously drawn to individuals who are committed to Truth and who have a sense of their own purpose. When we act from this truth others perceive our light and are drawn to it. We are in Grace.

When we do get triggered, which we inevitably will, since we do not live in Eden, it is a short step to compassionately understand that we are in our Story and that our Story is illusion and then to affirm our Everlasting Truth. We can then take appropriate action as a being of light rather that an actor in our Story.

CHAPTER FOUR- FAMILY-THE TIES THAT CAN BIND

The family is the growth medium for the Shadow Story. It is the projection of the parents Story on to their children which give rise to the children's Story. There is an unconscious contract between family members to agree to and support each others Story. I call these "Story interactions". In essence we each keep the other down by tacit agreement. This creates a comfort rut which enables each member of the family to predict the behavior and attitudes of the other family members. It can lock in negativity and pain which can yield a sense of resignation and hopelessness within the family which of course will radiate out into the world.

There is nothing more exciting than to work with a family committed to uncovering their Stories with each other. This uncovering can create an explosion of understanding and compassion where there was previously pain and disconnection.

I am currently working with a family who is exploring how their Stories interact. My initial contact was with Shelly, a 15 year old who came to me after telling her mother that she was thinking of killing herself. Shelly is a beautiful intelligent girl who is very verbal and open. She has been in a relationship with a boy that is chaotic. Shelly complained of frequent arguments which caused a lot of stress for Shelly.

Shelly grew up never knowing her father because he has been in prison all of her life for molesting his other daughter, Shelly's half sister. She refers to him as her biological donor. Shelly's mom Libby, is a hard working nurse who spent much of Shelly's life working to provide for her and her brother Carl. Shelly recalls being dropped off at day care and then preschool with a sense of pain fear and emptiness. She complains that today her mom is always at work. When Libby is home she is a devoted mother who enjoys hanging out with her kids and who is tireless to drive her kids wherever they need to go and who plans outings, inviting friends along. As Shelly looks back on her life she sees a series of painful abandonment's mostly on the part of the men in her life, her "bio donor", her step dad and her two grandfathers. Shelly's Shadow Story is "I don't matter."

Libby married Mark when Shelly was only a few years old. Mark adores Libby and adopted her and Carl shortly after his marriage to Libby. Mark is so bonded to Shelly that he had an experience a few years ago, where he woke up and realized that she was adopted rather than his own biological daughter. Mark is very protective and doting of Shelly.

Libby's childhood was fairly normal. She recalls vividly that her father wanted a boy and was disappointed that she was a girl. Libby learned to try harder to please. These efforts did not fix the situation at home. There was nothing Libby could do to be the boy that her dad wanted. Libby's Shadow Story is "I can never do it right".

Mark's childhood was extremely painful and traumatic. He loved his mother who he sees as a saint but he hated his father. Mark's father was a hateful, demeaning, violent man. He beat Mark bloody often and he refused to support Mark in any of his interests and endeavors. Mark says his happiest day is the day he moved out of the family home at 18. When his father died in Marks middle age, he felt nothing. Mark coped with all of this trauma by shutting off his heart and living in his head. He vowed that he would never be violent or lose his temper. Mark is now a successful bank vice president who is hard working and dedicated to his work. Shelly describes him as a workaholic who was never around when she grew up. This is Shelly's second abandonment Mark has been so successful at cutting himself off from his pain that he is emotionally remote and unavailable for intimacy with Libby and his adopted family. Mark has two children of his own who have had problems associated with his remoteness.

Mark and Libby's marriage has been punctuated by separations and break ups. The first time they separated, Mark made no attempt to contact Shelly or Carl for six months. Mark just buried himself in his work and got busy dating another woman. Libby and Mark have a draw to each other based on a love/ hate dynamic. She is the one who is angry at him. She projects that he "can never do it right". She is the one who insists on the separations due to Marks emotional unavailability. They love each other but suffer when they are together. Marks Shadow Story is "I am emotionally dead".

Mark and Libby's Stories continually draw them back to each other. When Libby is with Mark she is constantly reminded of how she has failed in her choices. She feels that she has a broken "picker". Mark tends to float along, detached from his emotional self, honoring his sense of duty to his family. He is resigned to the fact that his heart is "dead" and is not surprised that Libby is always angry and disappointed with him. He feels powerless to do anything about it. So he pours himself into work and providing for the family. Work rewards Mark for being in his head. Workaholism supports Mark's Story.

Mark and Libby and the "jailed biological donor" have all contributed to Shelly Story. Mark's lack of contact during the first separation was devastating to Shelly sense of not "mattering". Libby's obsession with her painful marriage and her need to work to keep the family going, was the proof for Shelly that she didn't "Matter". Shelly feels abandoned by all three of these major players in her story. Not only does she not know her biological father, she is afraid of him and dreads his release from jail in just a few months.

To illustrate how Story's interact, Shelly came into a session recently very hurt and triggered by an argument she had with Libby. It was over a trivial event. Libby had left a plate of food for dinner for Shelly and Shelly's plans had changed so she did not eat it and chose to go out with friends to eat. Libby was hurt over the food but since she judged this feeling as trivial she expressed it as anger that Shelly had not cleaned her room. An argument ensued. At some point Libby said to Shelly, "maybe you should just leave and go into foster care" Shelly was devastated. This for her was the ultimate in abandonment and a huge trigger for her "not mattering". I called a family session immediately so that this could be processed and reconciled.

In the family session, Libby initially did not remember what was said in the argument. She did report that she spent the next two subsequent days beating her self up over the argument(she can never do it right) Mark played the outside observer in the interaction("emotionally dead"). Libby was steeped in shame and rather than apologizing for what she had said to Shelly she pulled herself up by her own bootstraps and continued functioning as mom and nurse. This is a family that does not process and communicate due to Libby,s fear of "doing it wrong" and Marks "emotional deadness" The family is long on action, which avoids the hurtful issue, and short on connecting heart to heart.

When I asked Libby why she made the "foster home" comment to Shelly, she said she made it not because she does not want Shelly, but because she does not feel that she is a fit mother. Libby shared that she had to put her two step children in foster care when her first husband went to prison, triggering her Story and her sense of failure as a mother. Shelly realized that it was not that she didn't matter, but that it was about her Mom's Story that the comment was made.

This realization while initially helpful, plunged Shelly into another aspect of her story. Since she "doesn't matter" her reaction to her story has motivated her into helper rescuer mode. She had said that she feels it is her job to take care of her unhappy parents and that her role with her friends is that of helper/ confidant. Everyone comes to Shelly with their problems. Shelly has unwittingly become the receptacle of everyone's pain in her life in an effort to prove that she matters. Her efforts to fix everyone else have left her to neglect herself. So, her relationship to herself is one of not "mattering" as well. Everyone else is more important.

The first order of business, once Shelly's reaction to her Story became apparent in the family session was to emphasize that it is not necessary to negate her own feelings because of her mom's Story. She can understand why her mom said what she said but Libby had to be made aware that there was no excuse for saying such a thing. She made a formal apology to Shelly in the family session with much tearfulness for everyone, including Mark who usually has great difficulty getting in touch with his emotions. Shelly also needed to understand that is not her job to take care of her mom when she hurts.

The second order of business was to deal with Shelly's not "mattering" to herself. This is the most lethal aspect of Shelly's Story. When she is hurt by another, coupled with her own not mattering to herself, thoughts of self destruction come up for her. Shelly has a history of suicidal thought, and self destructive actions. She has cut herself intentionally and while in counseling, she took an overdose of ibuprofen. The most crucial work here is to encourage Shelly to transform her relationship to herself. The "inside job" for Shelly is to give herself what she did not get as a small child. She needs to learn to honor herself and her feelings and to give herself adequate attention. One of Shelly's symptoms is a fear of being alone. Shelly has never learned how to nurture herself. She looks to nurture others including her parents while neglecting her own needs and feelings. I suggested that Shelly find a stuffed animal to represent "little Shelly". Her job was to take care of "little Shelly". She must nurture her, sleep with her, and spend time asking her what she would like to do. Shelly's first priority is to consider "little Shelly" first.

Having a prop like a stuffed animal can be a very helpful transformative tool. It acts as a reminder of the assignment at hand. I have worked with clients who have taken their "inner child" with them wherever they go. When they drive, they put there "inner child" in the seat with the seat belt fastened. This is similar to the assignment that many grade schooler are given with the "egg baby" that they are to care for, for a period of time. There is even an electronic toy now that demands attention at certain intervals. Wouldn't it be interesting if the assignment involved caring for the "inner child" rather than some other imaginary child. This would teach young children to begin to honor and nurture themselves, an activity with is sorely lacking in our culture.. Once the "inner child" assignment is given, a person can become acutely aware of how they neglect and mistreat themselves, and they can begin to make the necessary changes toward honoring themselves.

Shelly is using her stuffed animal and her Everlasting Truth affirmation which is I matter to those who are important to me. She is beginning to get a sense of what it means to matter to herself. Shelly is fortunate that she is beginning this work at age 15. The patterns of her Story are not as well established as Libby's and Mark's. And for Shelly this work is a life and death situation since she gets so self destructive when she is triggered. Shelly has also committed that self destructive acts are no longer an option for her. She knows that if she feels the urge to harm herself, she can call me first and have an emergency session.

PARENTAL GUILT

Libby's task is to recognize and honor her achievements with gratitude. She as well needs to do some teddy bear/inner child work. She gets to learn how her choices have been made by her story. Libby has been married three times. With each choice there has been improvement. Both of her previous husbands have mimicked her Story by putting her down and being abusive of her. Mark is not emotionally violent, in fact he is very supportive of her. Libby needs to focus on her Story and to let Shelly go to grow into adulthood and to work on her own Shadow Story/Everlasting Truth process. Libby also needs to accept Mark as is without an agenda to change him through criticism and withdrawal. Primarily, Libby needs to love and accept herself as her Everlasting Truth: I love and accept myself and my accomplishments with gratitude.

Part of what keeps Libby in her Story is mother guilt. She carries this guilt from before Shelly's birth. When Libby was married to Shelly's bio father and Carl was a 3 year old, she cared for this man's two children. She discovered through Carl's behavior and statements that her step daughter, Cece was being raped by her father in the family bathroom. Carl would sit outside the bathroom door and cry and eventually he said to his mother in a panicky voice, "Cece don't go in bathroom". As soon as Libby realized what was happening, she had her husband arrested. Part of her guilt is that it took her a while to realize her husbands crime and the other part of the guilt was that four kids became too much for her to support on her own, with a brand new infant, so she had to put her two step children into foster care. Libby sees this as her most painful failure, proof to her that she "can't do anything right".

There are two types of guilt. The first type of guilt is the guilt we feel when we do something which is against our sense of right and wrong. The purpose of this type of guilt is to guide us into changing our actions to be consistent with our own values and morals. This is useful guilt.

The second type of guilt is a way of punishing ourselves for having feelings of sorrow and rage. We feel this guilt even though we did everything we could. We take on responsibility that is not ours. We refuse to let go of the responsibility and forgive ourselves for hanging on to this guilt. This is codependent guilt and it supports our Shadow Story. It is the ego's attempt to keep us in our Story. Codependent guilt is unproductive and dishonest. If we can only allow ourselves to fully feel the sorrow and rage that comes when our loved ones suffer without blaming ourselves for something that we are not responsible for we could heal and more easily let go of the erroneous belief that our Story is true.

Libby took on her x-husbands guilt for the rape of his own daughter. He did not carry sufficient morals to keep himself from violating his daughter. Codependents often feel others feelings and take on responsibilities that are not theirs, so Libby took on her x's guilt. She needs to forgive herself for her choice in mate and she needs to forgive herself for her unawareness of the violation for that short period of time. She has deep sorrow that Carl held the awareness for this period of time before she became aware. Libby needs to validate herself for taking action as soon as she became aware and she needs to fully feel the sorrow of this horrific situation. When we fully feel our feelings we can heal much faster than when we resist the passion of the fully felt feeling. Most of us are afraid of our feelings. We attach a negative valence to them and we fear what might happen if we "go there". What happens is ultimately we heal from the pain and we grow spiritually stronger.

TEACHING OUR STORY

Shelly wants to be a therapist when she is an adult. If she does this work, she has the potential to be a fine therapist. If she does not do this work she will unwittingly teach her story to all of her clients, and to her children if she ever has children. The way that Shelly might teach her story, would be to be overly self sacrificing. This would teach them to take advantage of her and use her for their own ends because she would model to them that they are more important than her. This is why it is so important for each of us to do our healing work around our Shadow Story/ Everlasting Truth. If we don't we are the contributor to the next generations Story as we teach our Story to all of those we come in contact with. The "Sins of the father are rested upon the son". Think about how the world would be if we taught our Truth rather than our Story to our children. We might be able to make some inroads into the generational legacy that has been passed down through the millennia. This work can make a transformational difference in the family, creating higher functioning more loving interactions. Children will grow in the faith and the realization that they have something unique and wonderful to offer to the world. They will be able to realize and to acknowledge their souls unique purpose with less difficulty and fear.

MARKS CHALLENGE

Mark has the most challenging Shadow Story in this family. His childhood was so devastating that the scars of his Story run very deep. Mark will not be able to heal this on his own. He will need assistance from therapy and from Libby and the rest of the family. The good news is that Marks heart is still able to feel. Often after a session where Mark's flaws are identified he reacts in a defensive way exhibiting hurt. He still has trouble claiming his own feelings and reacts by trying to put his feelings off on the other family members and to make them uncomfortable rather than to feel his own pain. This is frustrating for the rest of the family members. Mark needs to learn that it is OK to claim his feelings as his own and not to blame others for his pain. Many who experience what Mark did will become deadened to the point that they become the perpetrator of the same type of abuse on their own family members and intimates. These are the people who have no remorse or guilt. They are not moved by pain or punishment. They are projectors of the most lethal kind. There heart is hardened to the point where it no longer is able to feel. Mark is actually a walking miracle that he has not become one of these predators. The reason is likely that Mark received lots of love from his mother, grandmother and a maternal uncle. I have spoken with countless clients who by the grace of God had a loving grandmother or other relative to nurture their hearts. Patricia Evans in her book Verbally Abusive Relationship speaks of the importance of the "compassionate witness", a loving witness who validates the child. Marks mother, grandmother, and uncle were his compassionate witnesses.

Mark has become passionately protective of the woman in his life and he abhors violence of all kinds. Most of Marks violence has been perpetrated against himself in the form of emotional neglect of self. Mark is also emotionally neglectful of his family. He has picked a scapegoat in the family, namely Carl, who receives the brunt of Marks blame. Carl and Mark have some similar characteristics. They are both very stoic and protective of their women.

The families work with Mark is about acceptance of the way he is. When someone is remote in the way Mark is, family members tend to want to do things to change him. Libby complains and gets angry and separates from him in an effort to get Mark in touch with his feelings. None of these attempts will work. In fact. Libby's attempts to fix Mark only drive him deeper into his Story. He knows that he is "Dead" and her complaints are the proof of it. He lives in his head to escape the pain in his heart. Libby's unhappiness with him propels him into his head and he tries harder in the area where he does have some success, into work. He provides harder and better which insures in his mind, that Libby will not leave him. When Marks Story is met with compassionate acceptance, love, and no attempts to rescue him or take the blame for his pain, he may mirror that compassion and begin to feel some of the pain that he has locked away in his heart. Marks task is to affirm his Everlasting Truth: I am a loving feeling, compassionate man. Love is the only thing that can aid in the healing of Marks Shadow Story. Libby needs to understand that Mark is wounded, to accept his remoteness as the best he can do now, and make her choices based on who Mark is rather than on who she thinks Mark should be. Shelly needs to avoid people pleasing Mark. When she tries to please him, she neglects herself and begins the cycle of self destructive thoughts and behaviors. This people pleasing also assumes the responsibility for Marks pain so he doesn't have to take the responsibility. She can learn to be lovingly assertive with him.

Carl heart is closed to Mark. Mark says that he loves Carl very much but he is unable to show it. Carl is a trigger for Mark. Since Mark lives in emotional deadness, Carl becomes the focus for Marks frustrations since he is male and Carl is the apple of his mothers eye. Carl has not as of this writing uncovered his Story. His stoicism makes it difficult for him. It is very evident though that Carl is a fixer. He is deeply involved in the world of computers and loves to repair automobiles. This fixing things gives him a sense of satisfaction. Carl and Shelly are very close. Shelly is his confidant and he is her protector. Shelly also fiercely defends her brother against Marks scapegoating behavior. Carl has learned to ignore Mark. He is outwardly dead to Marks criticism. Inwardly Carl suffers. Carl has a chance to heal his heart because he is a youthful 18 years old. If he does not take this opportunity he may become similar to Mark in his remoteness. Carl's ignoring Mark contributes to his remoteness. Carl needs to learn how to share his pain with Mark in particular. I believe that Mark would respond to Carl if he did.

RECOMMENDATIONS TO THE FAMILY AS A WHOLE

This family needs to start communicating with each other on a feeling level. Now that they are aware of each others Story's they can understand better and with more compassion where the others are coming from. Working on listening and sending techniques is also in order. Shelly and Carl's main complaint about Mark is that he does not listen. Mark tends to go off on tangents and tell endless stories about himself rather than listening to what his children and his wife are saying to him. Using a technique called Active Listening is a good beginning. Active listening requires that Mark repeat the essence of what the speaker is saying. At first this feels very stilted, almost parrot like, but with time and practice, finesse can be developed. When Mark learns to verbalize his listening, his family members will know that he or she has been heard correctly. This technique validates feelings which encourages family members to share their feelings more frequently/

Validation of feelings takes all judgment out of interactions and it helps the other to feel honored and heard. This can be very difficult to do if we are in a defensive mode. Libby might say to Mark, "I feel unloved" and if Mark feels guilty about his ability to love he may be unable to adequately active listen and to validate Libby's feelings. Mark may make some excuse such as, "well I have been so busy at work lately that my head is spinning" so now Mark has become the sender rather than the listener and Libby's feelings have been discounted and she is forced into the listening role only enhancing her feelings of feeling unloved. If Mark had perfected his listening techniques, he would be able to respond to Libby in a different way. When Libby said "I feel unloved". Mark could say, "Please share with me about this. Then Libby might say, "I work so hard and all I want when I come home is to spend a little time with you alone." Then Mark might say, "You just want to be nurtured and to wind down with me." Then Libby might say, "Yes, It would be so nice to just be quiet together for a few minutes" It takes a long time and lots of work to adopt this way of listening. Most of us use it for a while with success and then go back to our old habits when the situation cools down. When family members use Active Listening, each gets a chance to feel unconditionally loved. When we feel unconditionally loved we feel empowered in an authentic way and it is easier to live in our Everlasting Truth.

Sending communication to each other is equally important and challenging. When sharing with a loved one, it is important to share how we are feeling without blaming or holding the other responsible for how we are feeling. This is pretty tricky. It requires that we own our own feelings without blaming ourselves or another. Lets set up a scenario here about feeling unloved with Libby and Mark. Libby has been overworked and is feeling very vulnerable. She wants to be nurtured and doted on by Mark, but she thinks about Marks emotional remoteness and gets frustrated as she imagines the interaction with him. When she sees him, instead of saying, "I am so tired and burned out that I would love a foot rub", she says, "what's wrong with you, can't you see that I am exhausted and need some attention!". It is highly unlikely that Mark can receive this message with out getting triggered into "dead" and to withdraw and become even more remote. Linda is projecting her Story on to Mark by insinuating that he can never do anything right. In a perfect world:
"I'm beat" says Libby
"You had a really rough day huh" says Mark
"Big time. I would really like it if you would give me a foot rub" (Libby feels heard so she feels comfortable to make a direct request)
"Put your feet up here and tell me about your day while I rub them"
Mark needs to put aside his own frustrations and feelings while he gives Libby the floor. After he gives Libby her foot rub and she is feeling more relaxed she will be more amenable to giving Mark some time and attention. When Mark and Libby model good listening skills and intimacy to their children, they are teaching Carl and Shelly how to have a good relationship by example rather than by lectures which tend to leave Carl and Shelly rolling their eyes. Shelly and Carl will feel more comfortable to approach their parents with their own feelings.

MAKING AMENDS TO OUR CHILDREN

Parents tend to Story interact with their children. This is to say that on an unconscious level, family members validate and support each others story because it is the familiar rut that all the members live in. When we as parents discover what our child's Shadow Story is, the first order of business is to look at how we have contributed to their story. This gives rise to the opportunity to acknowledge to our child our part in helping to create their story and to make amends for it by changing our Story interactions and by supporting our child's Everlasting Truth. A way that Libby has "Story interacted" with Shelly has been to keep their interactions on a non intimate level. Libby still works as a nurse which is fine now because Shelly is 15 years old and does not need her mother in the way she did when she was little. Now Shelly needs to begin to have periodic heart to heart talks with her mother about feelings and family stories. Shelly needs to feel that she can go to her mother with issues of health, relationships and spirituality. This is the time to engage in Danosophical discussions of what the world is all about. This is also a time that parents get to be taught by their children, who their children really are. At this age controls should begin to be lifted and discussions over boundaries should be a two way street. Teenagers need to be encouraged to set their own boundaries for their lives with their parents in order to learn how to keep themselves safe and healthy. When Libby gets fearful for Shelly's safety or feels left out of Shelly's life, she tendS to lay down a rule, usually grounding, which creates in Shelly a frustration and the need to rebel. If Shelly can be included in the conversation, she will feel a sense of her own autonomy (she will matter) and will learn valuable problem solving skills along with her parents. Mark needs to be included in these discussions because he tends to stay on the outskirts of the family. Shelly and Mark might say, "We are concerned about you walking home from work after dark, what do you think would be a good solution to this?" Shelly might think that it is perfectly safe to walk home after dark and she can say so. Then Mark and Libby might say " We understand that you feel safe, but we as your parents need some assurances so that we can feel comfortable regarding your safety, and we are not comfortable when you walk home after dark." Then Shelly might say "I can get a ride home with one of the guys at work" Then Mark might say, that is fine as long as we can meet him." This type of interaction empowers Shelly by letting her find the solution. And her parents feel heard and honored and comfortable regarding Shelly's safety. All of these types of conversations create intimacy.

Another way to create family intimacy is through story telling. Children of all ages crave to hear the stories of the family and it's ancestors. This is a very important part of carrying on the oral tradition of the family. As intimacy in the family has decreased, this oral tradition has decreased. When these stories are told it brings the family together, without television or computer games blaring in the background. It also brings the ancestors of the family to life. As these stories are told, family members will get a sense of how the Shadow Stories were passed from generation to generation. Families can create a family tree together which is annotated with the personality characteristics of each of its members. This family tree can be very enlightening to help explain Shadow Stories as well as health patterns and addictive tendencies up the family tree.

It is understandable that this particular family has avoided family story telling. The stories in this family are tragic and violent. Libby and Mark have been very hush about their ancestors because of this pain and suffering. Ironically it is still important to convey these stories to put an end to the family secrets. Remember that what we resist persists. When these stories are kept hidden they tend to manifest and repeat. Case in point:

ENTER CECE

Remember Cece's part in this family. She is Shelly and Carl's half sister. She was raped by the bio donor and sent away from the family because it was too much for Libby with two small children. During the family counseling session, Cece came to visit the family and was willing to participate in the sessions. First she came to a session with Shelly. Cece said that her reason for coming was to support Shelly. Cece said that she had been devastated to hear that Shelly had attempted suicide because Cece herself had attempted suicide a number of times. I asked Cece to tell her life story to Shelly so that Shelly could fill in any holes which existed in the family history. Cece recounted that her mother, who she barely remembers, and who she is currently estranged from, left the bio donor when Cece was six. Cece said that her bio mom left due to the donors violence and womanizing. Cece said that she believes her bio mom wanted to be with her and her brother John but that she was too weak and succumbed to the donor's threats, so she let the children stay. in effect abandoning them. This is when the bio donor started raping Cece.

Cece tearfully shared that she now has three children that she is estranged from as the result of her troubles with the law and being incarcerated. Cece's youngest daughter is now six, so her children are experiencing the same mother abandonment that Cece herself experienced when she was six. Cece is very panicky at this time because the bio donor is due to get out of prison any time and she fears for her daughters safety. She feels that her daughter will be made a target of molestation because this little girl looks just like Cece. No one in the family, including Cece's little girls father believes Cece. They all think she is paranoid. They all believe that the bio donor has learned his lesson and has reformed in prison. This in fact is extremely unlikely. Violent pedoDanes are extremely resistant to any kind of treatment except to injections of depo prevara which acts like castration to reduce the drive to offend. Even this treatment is in question as to its effectiveness. In this case the rest of the family is in denial and is supporting the bio donor's Shadow Story by believing that he has changed. This part of the family is in Story Interaction mode. It is very likely that the bio donor will offend again. It is tragic that the offense could very well be against a family member.

More about Cece's reaction to her abuse. Cece recounted to Shelly that when she found out that Libby was pregnant with Shelly, she became very fearful for the babies safety. Cece was 14 at this time and this is when she decided to tell about what was happening with the bio donor. At first Cece recounts that no one believed her, including Libby until Carl's tearful warning, "Cece don't go in bathroom". Libby had been married to the bio donor since Cece was eight, so the rapes were occurring to Cece for six years while Libby was married to the him. This clarifies why Libby carries so much guilt. The guilt is over her unawareness of what had been going on for so long. Cece didn't tell because the bio donor threatened to kill Cece, Libby and Carl, if she told. Cece was so afraid that her little sister, Shelly would go through the torment that she did that she took an incredible risk and told.

The rest of Cece's story is not a happy one. She internalized the abuse and became a very angry, self destructive little girl. Cece started smoking pot and drinking when she was six and she began hard drugs at 11. She almost died from an over dose of methamphetamine on two separate occasions. Cece has served time in prison herself for possession, robbery and fraud. all crimes related to her drug addiction and to her internalized anger. Cece's Shadow Story is that she will "never amount to anything". After Cece's last suicide attempt, she went into treatment and has been clean for 2 1/2 years. She is an active member of Self Help programs, has a sponsor in the program and talks to a counselor from her treatment program as needed. Cece is in the process of her recovery. She is drug free, but she is not anger free. I asked Cece how she plans to keep herself safe when the donor is released. She said that she is not fearful for herself, just for her daughter. I clarified to Cece that my concerns for her safety were about what she might do to this man upon her release, and what she might do to herself. We are currently working on a plan of action in the form of letters to officials in the area where the family lives and for the issuance's of protection orders for family members, including Cece. Cece will need to step up her program and her counseling at this time in order not to be in her Story and recreating "never amounting to anything" and ending up back in prison herself.

This family has begun the process of healing. When a family begins to explore the Shadow Stories of each member, initially much pain is reexperienced. It is important to remember that this pain is a cleansing pain. Each family member must be able to use good listening skills and to allow the sharing member to feel his or her feelings fully. When an entire family is ready to do this work it is best to utilize the skills of a therapist during this painful part. The therapist can guide and direct the listening and be sure to mediate any conflicts which may arise in the uncovering of Stories. Libby remains very angry at Mark and his remoteness and emotional deadness. She needs the support of a third person to direct her energies toward positive alternatives and productive solutions with Mark. So many feelings arise as past histories are reviewed. It is as if those painful moments are being relived as they are being reviewed. Remember that this pain is cleansing and not to be avoided. Use your therapist to help you through this part of the family healing.

WHAT THE FAMILY CAN EXPECT FROM THIS WORK

Once the initial process is complete the family will have a new sense of itself. It will no longer exist in an unconscious way. Each member will still have its Shadow Story but triggers will begin to lessen. In time there will be a lightness in the family as each member heals and lives more and more in Everlasting Truth. The members can begin to support each other in Truth and be an advocate for stepping out into new exciting risks and successes.

The family will begin to develop a sense of humor about itself and will be light hearted about being triggered and knowing what the trigger is about. A reminder that it is very important to never tease another family member about their Shadow Story. It is fine to make fun of ourselves and our story which is an invitation for others to join in on the fun, but never to make fun of another's story. This boundary will develop a sense of safety and compassion in the family as it grows and heals.

CAN ALL THIS STUFF BACKFIRE

When a family does this work it is very easy for the knowledge of each others soft spots to backfire and cause more pain, especially if one or more members are committed to their Story. If this kind of mean spiritedness shows up in a family after discovery it is important to go back to the therapist for help. It may be that separations of family members are in order, particularly for the parents who are unable to let go of their Story Interactions. Many parents decide to stay together for the sake of the kids, not realizing what they are teaching their children about relationship. Libby and Mark have taught their children that intimate relationships are not intimate, that they are painful and hurtful and inconsistent. Shelly has learned that she will get hurt and betrayed when she involves herself in a relationship with another. This is what brought Shelly into therapy in the first place. A painful break up with an emotionally remote and sadistic boyfriend deeply triggered her "not mattering". Libby and Mark need to deal with what they have taught their children about intimacy and do their best to honor themselves in their marriage, whatever that entails. It may be best for them to separate and eventually divorce if they cannot heal together so they can teach their children that they don't have to stay in situations which are harmful.

At this point in recovery, the members of the family are attempting to do the work required to heal. It would be ill advised to separate in the midst of the recovery work. If Mark or Libby pulls out of therapy then, decisions would need to be made regarding the future of the marriage. All of the children in the family are open to either option. Shelly especially has expressed her frustration around her parents splitting up and getting back together so many times. If Mark and Libby to split up they need to be totally committed to that and to be entirely sure that it is over before they make the split. This will help to eliminate the tendency to yo yo back and forth as in the past. Separation and divorce is a very serious decision which demands much painstaking work and introspection. As in marriage, it is not an option which should be taken lightly.

This healing work can get very messy, especially when family member history involves violence and hatred. The only way to clean up a mess is to get your hands in it. Some times the messes are just too big and deep to adequately clean them up completely. Life is messy and complicated. Relationships are messy and complicated. It is important to remember that suffering is a part of life and relationship. If our mind is open to that we will suffer, the suffering will be much less painful and damaging. Libby and Mark may never have a perfectly functional marriage. All we can ever ask of a relationship is that it helps us to grow in the direction of our Truth. Growth is often messy too. If a relationship does not foster each others growth, then it is stuck and needs to be jump started or eliminated, unless each partner is content with the stuckness. Many relationships are content to be stagnant in a comfortable way. This is a fine solution as long as both members are content with this arrangement. Not all families are meant to grow and heal together. It is pain which is the implement of a families desire to jump into the seeming abyss of Truth seeking. If there is no pain, there is no need. We must look at these static relationships without judgment and with acceptance and respect. Each of us makes a decision at some point in our lives about what kind of path we want to take. We can decide upon comfort and stasis or we can decide on the roller coaster of growth and learning. Both decisions are to be honored.

A HEALTHY FAMILY

A healthy family is not a perfect family. A healthy family knows how to clean up it's messes. The tools are simple. Each member takes 100% responsibility for the problem and asks the simple question, "how is this problem about my Story". This eliminates blame and the tendency to scapegoat another family member for the problem. When a problem arises, the family calls a family meeting using their communication tools of active listening and I messages. The members refrain from trying to fix the problem while allowing the solution to unfold naturally. Each persons input is listened to and honored no matter how old they are or what there role in the family is. If there is a disagreement, members agree to disagree and let the disagreement be. There will be no effort to change a family member. All the effort will be toward understanding the other family members feelings. When these tools are used, the solutions to problems will naturally begin to unfold in a fair and respectful way.

All families experience pain and torment. This is the nature of life. If a family can come together and support each other in these times of torment, the family is a healthy family. When the family includes prayer and meditation as part of their collective guidance, solutions will flow more easily. This also helps the parents to realize that they are not the power in the family, that their love is the power in the family. Family members need to learn to show love for each other with affection and words. "I love you" echoes through the house in a healthy family. Hugs and kisses abound. Laughter lifts the roof. Healthy families play together, eat together and cry together. The family becomes a safe harbor and a place to come back to once the children grow and begin to create their own families and their own lives. Imagine what the world would be like if all families functioned on this level. Change at the family level would radiate out into the world creating a more peaceful loving world where solutions would flow naturally from the problem. The state of the family is manifested in the state of the world. The state of the individual is manifested in the state of the family. The best political action is to be at peace with oneself and so with ones family, and so with the world.

CHAPTER 5 YOU AND ME BABE- INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP

There is no better way to learn about ourselves than in relation to another. We are brought in to this world to learn lessons and the intimate relationship provides the foundation for these lessons to be learned. We all grow up believing that when we find our Mr. or Ms. right that our problems will be over and we will live happily ever after. In truth, when we find our mate, our learning will begin in a very profound way. All of us pick a partner who will help us to learn on an unconscious level. All of our unresolved conflicts within us shape our choices. Anything that has not yet been healed will form our attraction to another. The illusion is that our choice of partner will solve the problem. The truth is that our choice will uncover the problem for healing. Since mating with another is the most intimate form of relation, the issues uncovered tend to be the deepest and most intimate issues. We have all been sold a Dan of goods about living happily ever after and prince charming, etc. If we had been told that prince charming will uncover and bring up all the pain we are harboring in an effort to heal and grow, we would be getting the real skinny on the deal. It is as if we all forgot to read the fine print in the advertisement for "happily ever after". The fine print says, when you make your choice you will begin a journey that will be so painful and frustrating at times that it will force you to believe in a higher power. It will force you to look at yourself in such a way that you must take responsibility for yourself, if you do not destroy yourself or the other first. This may sound like a dire prediction but in actuality, it is not. It is the work of relationship which brings about self knowledge and wisdom. This cannot be done without some pain and suffering.

ILLUSION ATTACHMENT

This attachment to illusion can be illustrated by the 18 year old going off to College. When we embark on our educational career, we are so excited to finally be on our own. To learn new things and to become educated adults. What we get along with this result is long nights of studying for difficult and sometimes unfair tests. We live in rooms which are half the size of our bedroom at home and we have to share it with a stranger. We no longer get mom's home cooked meals, we eat institutional slop which has all the nutrients cooked out of it. We go to classes which have 300 students and we feel like the small fish in a gigantic pond. We are no longer at the top of our high school class, we are right in the middle of a bunch of other lost kids who were at the top of their high school class. We are over charged for books, cannot get the classes that we want and we are forced to live at the poverty level and to pay tens of thousands of dollars to receive this experience. And what do we get for it? We get educated. We meet some of the greatest people we will ever know. We do learn and become informed about the area of our interest. As the result of this seemingly horrendous experience we develop character and begin our path as adults. And some of us will make a unique contribution to our world as the result of the hell we have just been through. Little did I know that all the months that I delivered banana pellets to those lower prosimians in the most boring learning trials that I can imagine would eventually lead me to working with clients and writing a book. That excruciatingly boring activity was part of my unfoldment of who I am today. If I would have said, "That's it! I'm out of here!", I may have ended up doing something completely different with my life, missing out on this wonderful adventure that I am now on.

This is how intimate relationship is. It can be a thankless job at times. It can be excruciating and depressing. It can drive us to distraction and into our addictions for a little modicum of relief. And it is the single most important experience that we can have for our unfoldment as healthy individuals. Instead of attaining a degree, what we get out of this experience is learning how to love unconditionally. Some of us will learn this from the marriage relationship, some of us will learn it in an intimate relationship of the same sex, some of us will learn it with our children, and some of us will learn this lesson in our close friendships or work partnerships. Some of us will learn it on the battlefield. No matter what form this intimacy takes, it teaches us to love well. For the purpose of simplicity I will focus on the intimate relation between two individuals but bear in mind that these same lessons can be learned in these other relationship forms mentioned above.

ATTRACTION

Attraction is a most mysterious thing. So many factors are at work on an unconscious level to contribute to that magical experience of attraction. How a person smells, looks, and feels affects our being drawn to that person. A sound of a persons voice, and how they express their talents influence our interest and our choice of partner. Along with all of these factors, our Shadow Story also has a very intimate influence on our choice in partner. If we are unaware of our Story, our Story unconsciously picks another persons Story. If we have "unworthiness" as a Story we may pick someone who supports our "unworthiness" or we may pick someone who we perceive to be so worthy that we continue to feel "unworthy" in their presence. This choice from Story is not the wrong choice. It is the choice that can help us learn what our Story is and to aid each other in finding our Everlasting Truth together if we have the willingness to commit to this process of discovery.

Lets introduce a couple into this chapter for clarification and illustration of how Story works in the formation of intimate partnership. Kelly came to me in a state of frustration and fear. She had just moved to the area from a distant state to marry her high school sweetheart Jim. Kelly and Jim are now in their early fifties. Jim has a young son and has been divorced from his son's mother for a few years. Kelly has had a succession of painful relationships with unavailable men.

When Kelly came to see me, she was in a state of shock. She had moved from the big city into a rural area. She had left a home that she owned but was having difficulty selling and she had left a thriving small business which she owned and was attempting to maintain on a long distance basis. On top of all this she was learning that Jim was different than what she had expected. She could not stand the house where he lived. It was full of two smelly dogs and dog hair and a very rambunctious five year old who basically ran the household. This little boy named Sam was "King Baby". He would stays up as long as he wanted and he even was allowed to write on the walls. His dad indulged him because of his own Shadow Story which will be explained at length later.

So Kelly was practically hysterical when she came to see me. She didn't know why she got herself into this and on top of it all she is allergic to the air and the dust and pollen in this high desert area. She came from heat and high humidity and has moved to an area which has about 5-15% humidity on average. She came from an area which was heavily treed to an area covered with sage brush and a few junipers. She was totally our of her familiar element and feeling the effects. The initial part of our work together involved me validating her feelings and supporting her and allowing her to vent her fears and frustrations. After our relationship was established it was time to bring Jim in.

Jim is an attorney and a cowboy. He loves living here and loves horses. He is loud and outspoken and boisterous and a hell of a lot of fun. He is active in the community and is known as a generous member of the community. He is gregarious and knows everyone. He is liberal in his beliefs in this conservative desert area. Jim is charming and intelligent and he is aggressive. Jim is a large man, with a loud booming voice. Jim drinks hard and plays hard and works hard. Jim is active in his Catholic church, but is also interested in Buddhism. He loves Ram Dass and listens to his meditation and instructional tapes often. Jim is sensitive and brash. All of his movements are big. When he is angry he gets even bigger. His ruddy complexion becomes redder and his loud voice booms.

Kelly is a tiny woman who wears her streaked blond hair in a pony tail. She is soft spoken and intelligent. She is social phobic, having a great deal of trouble speaking in a group situation but she is comfortable one on one. Kelly is also Catholic and is interested in metaphysics, yoga and self help books. She is a drinker too but does not feel that she has a problem. She is very well informed about all the latest methods of enlightenment and is flummoxed by the situation in which she finds herself. When Jim gets "big", Kelly gets "small" and fearful. Kelly becomes panicky and asks herself why she got herself into this.

When I met with the two of them together, both were very motivated. Although Kelly was having great difficulty adjusting to this new life, she loved Jim and Jim was very in love with her. They were beginning to have some intimacy problems. Jim was not very good at approaching Kelly sexually. He would wait for her to approach him. When they did have sex Kelly felt that Jim was not really engaged. She did not feel romanced.

Kelly was not able to relax into the intimacy of the relationship because she was not comfortable. Their home was a man's home overrun by male dogs and a little boy. She hated the place she was living and was appalled by Jim's lack of discipline of Sam. So both partners were having difficulty connecting.

Kelly was also concerned for Jim's health. Jim is a type A personality always pushing the limits in work and in play. He was a real risk taker in the area of finances as well. Jim was able to make large amounts of money as an attorney, but the money came in large chunks on an infrequent basis. Jim was a big spender and relied on advances from the bank during the lean periods. Jim had not make any investments with his money. Kelly was used to managing her money very conservatively. She was used to a steady flow and had lead a fairly simple life before she married Jim. She was already starting to manage Jim's money which he was grateful for because he knew he was impulsive with spending. Jim likes his toys and is forever wanting something new. This had started a power struggle between the two of them. Jim was appreciative but liked to hold the reins in his spending. He was now required to check in with Kelly regarding spending. He was in conflict because although he supported the new arrangement he felt that he was controlled and would overindulge at times. It was easy for Jim to overrun Kelly. He was a persuasive orator and could be very intimidating in his "bigness" so Kelly would acquiesce and then become resentful.

Another of Kelly's complaints about Jim was that he seemed to put everything else before her. She complained about how they would go out to dinner and Jim would see someone he knew. He would get up from their table to talk to his friends and just leave her there alone at their table for long periods of time. This would make Kelly feel very small and neglected, combined with her social phobia, she would become anxious and hurt.

Kelly also experienced some judgment and envy over Jim's relationship to his son Sam. Jim was very indulgent of Sam and very loving and tender with him. Kelly said that she never experienced this kind of tenderness with Jim. She loved Sam, but resented him for the attention he got from Jim. She became a very good mother to Sam and was very good to him but her resentment was focused on Jim until later in the relationship when she began to resent Sam who had Attention Deficit Disorder and who was quite oppositional and rude. His dad overindulged him and let him have free reign in the house. Kelly was furious and shocked by this.

THE STORY PICKS THE PARTNER

Kelly's story picked Jim's story. We discovered that Kelly's story is that she is "Overlooked so she will Not be Considered" and Jims story is that he is " worthless so he will always be abandoned". Kelly's childhood is very dim to her. She has only fleeting memories which is always a concern in that the memories may have been blocked out for the reason that they were so painful or traumatic. What we do know is that Kelly's mother was depressed and obsessed with Kelly's father because he was a womanizer. He was out doing his thing and mom was unavailable to her three daughters. Kelly's mother modeled to her that women get neglected and discounted. Her mother was the epitome of the woman who is overlooked and not considered. We do not know what Kelly's mothers Shadow Story is and it may not be the same as Kelly's even though she modeled Kelly's story to her. Kelly has two sister's, one is bipolar and has been very troubled most of her life. She got much of the attention due to her illness. The other sister is very negative and critical unhappy and a grudge holder. Kelly became the super hero and the one who is the good girl. She was shrunken in emotional size as the result of being surrounded by her larger than life sisters and her neglectful mother and absent father.

Jim had a very painful childhood. His father was a attorney who was very popular in the community. When Jim was 6 his father suddenly died of a massive heart attack. This event threw the family into ruin. Jim's mother was not able to care for him so she put him in a Catholic boarding school where he was molested by a priest and generally mistreated and abused. Jim was very literally abandoned by his father through death and then abandoned by his mother when she could not care for him and then abandoned by his church. He developed the defensive style of being aggressive and outgoing as a protection from all of this pain. When Jim is reminded of the pain of his childhood or when his abandonment fears get triggered today, he immediately is rendered into a weeping, very sad little boy. It is as if he literally shrinks in size. This may explain why he is so overindulgent with Sam. He does not want Sam to go through what he went through. He does not want Sam to feel abandoned in any way. Jim was very uncomfortable dealing with this pain because he felt unsafe and unprotected in his "little state". Jim's Shadow Story is that he is "unlovable so he will always be abandoned" When he was little he just put two and two together and figured that he must be unlovable to be abandoned by everyone who held any meaning to him. He reacts to the "unlovable” part of his story by becoming big and brash and obnoxious as a way to protect his "little boy". It is as if this bigness is his parent who protects him while pushing away everyone triggering his abandonment fear.
Jim and Kelly's stories intertwine in such a way to enforce and prolong each of their pain. Jim's bigness and brashness was attractive to Kelly at first because he could cover for her social anxiety by running interference for her in the social situation. When she was with Jim she could be invisible and avoid the painful focus of the social situation. Remember that what we are originally attracted to, we eventually come to resent. Eventually Kelly began to resent Jim's brashness. She found herself being ignored and discounted in the social situation which triggered her Story, "overlooked"..

Remember the situation that Kelly found herself when she first moved in with Jim. She felt totally out of her element and overlooked in that male oriented messy house. The lack of female energy in the house contributed to her invisibility and resentment of Jim. The more she came to resent Jim the more she fantasized about leaving him. She never spoke to Jim about this desire as she intuitively knew that he would freak out at the thought of being left by her. She just fantasized about disappearing. She would become remote and morose which would trigger Jim nonetheless and he would get big and accuse her of being unhappy, that something was wrong with her. These accusations would intimidate Kelly and make her feel unloved and not considered so she would further shrink into her overlooked position which would scare Jim so he would get even bigger….. The bigger Jim got the smaller Kelly got…the smaller Kelly got the bigger Jim got. It is easy to see why these two felt at a stalemate and were seeking couples counseling.

INTERTWINING STORIES

It is exceedingly common for couples to get intertwined in their stories. This is because we unconsciously pick from our own story, someone else's story. So much of coupleship involves story interaction. This may explain why familiarity breeds contempt. If we always came from our everlasting truth, we would pick someone else for their truth and we would lovingly support each other and encourage each other to grow and excel because we cannot be threatened when we are in truth. Since story comes from fear consciousness, contempt will eventually arise. If your story is"I don't matter", each time you get discounted, you become further entrenched in "I don't matter", while you blame others for treating you so badly. When we are entrenched in story there is no way out. Many couple just choose to live in parallel with a minimum of interaction as an act of avoidance to keep the peace and insure a modicum of security. Many religions and the culture at large teaches us that a successful marriage is a marriage which does not end. Since when we are in story we are in illusion, it is important for us to maintain the illusion of success so we stay together miserably and in a stalemate. Often the thought of facing our story or in other words facing out demons is too frightening. This tendency is magnified in coupleship because it takes two willing, brave people to unravel the story interactions on the road to a healthy, truth centered relationship.

To even complicate the matter further, when we are in story, we take everything personally. In the book the Four Agreements one of the agreements is to take nothing personally. This is very important in relationship. It is the only way we can achieve any kind of clarity which will enable us to focus on our truth rather than on our story. Let me give you an example from Jim and Kelly's life. There was a big fire in the area where Jim and Kelly live. Jim immediately rushed to the area to volunteer in the fire fighting efforts. He was acting in the tradition of his father who was a pillar of the community. Kelly was hurt by this. The way she viewed the event was that Jim was always giving loving attention to everyone else but her(remember her father was always giving his attention to other women). She became envious of his commitment to his community and took his action as inconsideration of her. In our session, she said," I wish Jim was as devoted to me as he is to everything else". She took Jim's action personally from her triggered state of "being overlooked". When she looked honestly at her reaction she was ashamed of what she saw. She saw herself as selfish and ungrateful because from the outside perspective, what Jim was doing was a wonderful thing. He was contributing to the community. But from the inside of the relationship there was a deep history of inconsideration and avoidance on the part of Jim. Jim's heroic act triggered Kelly's story and at the same time made her plunge into self criticism and self pity. When we find ourselves acting in a way that causes us to say "this is not me" we can be assured that we are deep in story and it is time to take some type of action. If we do not take action at this step in our relationship, we will most likely become depressed, resentful and bitter.

I will illustrate with an example from my own life. I was once with a man who was very irresponsible with money. He was a compulsive spender and very frivolous and anything but frugal. My reaction to my own story is to be super responsible and "normal". Living with this man's irresponsibility triggered me to the point where I was hiding money and my purse. I was constantly worried about finances and became very suspicious all the time. After a period of time I realized that I had become a shrew. I looked at myself and said to myself, "this is not who I am" Since my partner was unwilling to look at his part of the issue, I had to leave the relationship before I started hating myself for being so hateful and suspicious. I was taking his actions as a personal affront and was personally transformed into a shrew. His irresponsible actions had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. As soon as I was able to accept that this is just who he was, I was able to make the choice to leave the relationship. If I had not been able to accept this fact I would have continued to try to manipulate and control the finances to the detriment of my own health and probably to the point that he would act out even more.

UNDERSTANDING INTENTION IN RELATIONSHIP

When we begin on a path of healing in our relationship we must clearly understand one very important thing. When our partner is in his or her story, he or she is not doing this "at us" or to us. Our partner does not wake up every day and say, "let's see, what can I do today to hurt or frustrate the one I love". Once we understand that our partner is not doing this at us, we can begin to work on ACCEPTANCE of what is. This understanding of intention brings about instant detachment and clarity as to what is happening in the relationship. It also enables us to have compassion for the other who is in story. When I let go of the need to take my previous partners irresponsibility personally, I was able to see him as wounded and powerless over his relationship to money. This understanding did not excuse his irresponsibility, it just explained it separate from me. He was irresponsible before me and I am sure he was irresponsible after me.

EXCUSE VERSES EXPLANATION

Many of us make the mistake of thinking that to understand someone else's behavior is to excuse it. This is not the case. To have compassion for another's faults does not mean that we have to stay in the situation that causes us harm. That would be like saying "my husband beats me and threatens to kill me because he was beaten and abandoned in his childhood (poor thing) so it is OK for him to beat and threaten me". This seems like a ridiculous statement at first blush but this is just the kind of logic we use when we are in story world. This is one of the reasons that people stay in abusive relationships. They convert the explanation into the excuse. I was recently working with a very religious woman in her late 60's who recently ended a marriage in which her partner stole money, charged up all her credit cards and deceived her on a daily basis. During the Lenten season, she was studying the concept of Reconciliation. She took this to mean that she should reconcile and be friends with this man who had so betrayed her. I suggested that her efforts might better be spent reconciling the fact of his flaws and the devastating affect that they had on her security while accepting that it is best for both that they not be together. It is interesting to note that her Shadow Story is "I don't matter". Her tendency is to forget to ask the question, "what is best for my health and safety" and to focus more on what is best for others. Her work is to always ask herself, "is this good and healthy for me?" This question comes from her truth that she is a treasure.

THE WORK

Once we were able to define each of Jim and Kelly's Shadow stories, they were able to look at each other with compassion. When Jim shared about his childhood, Kelly sobbed and held him. When Kelly shared her vulnerability and fears of being overlooked, Jim got a look of real love and tenderness in his eyes. I suggested that in the middle of being triggered it is important to remember back to the time in the session where they felt compassion for each other and to remember that the others behavior is not a personal affront to the other. So when Kelly would withdraw, triggering Jim's abandonment fears he could remember that she was in her story and was hurting so he could reach out to her in a compassionate way. When Jim rushed off to help someone in the community, Kelly could visualize him as a hurt little boy that loved his dad and wanted to be like him and at the same time she could affirm her truth that she is heard and seen as a wonderful woman. The beauty of this system is that each time either member of the couple gets triggered, he or she goes back to affirming their own Everlasting Truth to be comforted and soothed. This enables the person to heal from the inside out instead of depending on the other to change. When Jim is triggered into his fear of abandonment, he can affirm that he is a kind and loveable man. The more we utter these truths to ourselves the more we come to believe them and when we come to believe them we tend to act from this truth rather than from our story.

It takes a deep commitment to our own realization of truth and to our partner's realization to their truth to bring the relationship to a healthy level. It is important to note that this work involves a process rather that a sudden realization. After a period of time it is possible to use our triggers to teach us compassion for ourselves and others and to find peace with ourselves first and then with another. Does this mean that each partner will become totally healed and realized. No it does not. Remember the Story is Shadow. It's effect on us however will fade and we will live more in truth and love than in fear and resentment as we do our work as an individual and in coupleship. It was very necessary for Jim and Kelly to stay in counseling for quite some time so that they could have practice reviewing their story interactions in a safe environment and with an objective, supportive coach. Remember that Jim's job is to persuade and dominate and intimidate. There were times in therapy when he became so triggered that he would get big with me. There was one time when we were dealing with his son Sam, that Jim got so threatened by my suggestion regarding Sam that he scooted to the edge of his seat, leaned forward into my face, pointed right into my face and said, "don't you ever talk to me that way again". Jim was triggered in a big way and I could feel my heart pounding with his threat. I stood up gently(got bigger than him) and told Jim that his behavior was inappropriate for the session and that he was welcome to leave. At this point Kelly was nearly wound up into a little ball and sobbing. As soon as Jim was given an out he calmed down. We were able to lovingly review Jim's triggers and how his being triggered affected Kelly. He made apologies to each of us and renewed his commitment to our therapeutic work. Jim was used to being abandoned when he acted in this manner. It was very enlightening to him that we stuck around for him through his tantrum. Of course it was a discussion of his son that triggered him so greatly. Sam represents his own suffering "little boy" were Jim's deepest pain lies.

The reason the counseling was helpful to both Jim and Kelly is because they were both committed to it. Even in the hard times as in the example above, they continued to show up consistently. They were both exceedingly brave to face the pain that each of them needed to face.

Jim and Kelly stopped coming to therapy after about four years of work. They have been working on their own for the last year. Recently Kelly reported that they are doing much better than in the past. She feels less triggered when Jim goes into his workaholic save the world mode because she knows that it is not about her. Jim has a new willingness to work through their tough times. They are praying and meditating together and are reading a daily meditation book on coupleship. They will be celebrating an anniversary together and Jim went to Kelly to ask her how she would like the day to be. She chose to stay home, rather than to go to a restaurant where Jim will be tempted to hob nob with friends. Jim is more comfortable with the intimacy in the marriage. The best quality in their marriage now is that they are openly communicating with each other about feelings and triggers. Neither feels that they need to run a protection racket on the other. Do they have rough times? Absolutely. They will always have issues to deal with because they still have blood coursing through their veins. It is the nature of life to have challenges and triggers and in relationship these challenges are focused and magnified. Just because relationships involve conflict and pain does not mean that the relationship is "bad". These times of pain are opportunities for growth. What defines the health in a relationship is each members willingness to grow and change and negotiated with each other. If only one member of the relationship has that willingness, growth can occur, but the growth in the relationship will be slower and more limited. If one partner regresses back into Story restrictions and old habit patterns the old problems and blockages will return.

One persons change has a profound effect upon the other. This change can set up a feeling of discomfort in the other and one of two paths will be taken. Either the discomfort will bring about a desire to resolve it or the discomfort will bring about a defensive reaction and further entrenchment in Story. I worked with one couple that seemed rather hopeless. The husband Brad was very rigid and unable and unwilling to make any changes in himself. His wife Ginger devoted the whole marriage to pleasing him and doing what he wanted because she felt it was too much trouble to speak her own truth. Her Shadow Story was "I don't matter". Brad was a very controlling manipulative man who would routinely attempt to coerce her into doing what he wanted her to do and Ginger would usually allow him to coerce her, not mattering to herself. The result of this was she sunk into a deep almost suicidal depression. In our work individually, we decided together that her Everlasting Truth was "It is so good to be me and I can stand up for myself". This realization of truth was transforming to her. Ginger began to be able to set her boundaries with her husband and to not allow herself to be coerced. When she was very firm(a real push against "I don't matter") Brad would willingly acquiesce. It was the time that she was in story that she would allow herself to be buried in his relentless attempts to sway her into doing what he wanted to do. When Ginger stood in her truth Brad became much less coercive and accepted her refusals. She learned to say, "no, I am not interested. Why don't you go and have a great time" He would simply say "OK". This unexpected response reinforced her being in her Truth and the marriage became much happier. The other part of Ginger's individual work was to fully accept Brad exactly as is and to come to the realization that he was never going to change. Coming to this realization made her stop hoping for the "impossible" which would just contribute to her depression. It enabled her to be in total acceptance of what is with Brad and it brought about the end of Ginger's attempts to get him motivated to work on the relationship. This detachment gave her more time to work on her Truth and find her own place in her own world. She still occasionally gets sunk as the result of Brad's attempts at coercion but she is measures happier in the relationship just as the result of her Truth work. Is it true that her husband will never change? No one knows. I believe that we can make changes but that we never really change in character. Whether or not a person will change is irrelevant. Accepting that he will never change is a tool used to accept the truth of what is with another. If he does change it will be icing on the cake of their relationship. I doubt that she will get mad at me for being wrong about that. This acceptance is what frees a person to do their own work. So individual work can have a positive effect on the relationship within limits.

Back to Jim and Kelly. When I spoke with them recently they are both indicated that they are willing and excited about coming in for "tune ups" when finances allow. My recommendation at this point is that the couple work is basically over. I feel that it would be good for each of them to do some individual work to further resolve the deep pain of childhood. This does not mean that the experience of childhood needs to be dredged up over and over. This would just be a re-traumatizing event for each of them. The individual work would evolve around forgiveness and compassion for the main players in each of their stories and for themselves as individuals. It would involve encouraging practice in living in the Everlasting Truth. Kelly would like to regain some of the memories of her childhood. This is an area that needs to be treaded on very lightly . I believe that when the unconscious is ready to deal with the material it will be remembered naturally. I do not believe in hypnosis or hypnotic drug therapy to uncover these memories because they are buried for a very good reason by the unconscious. I have faith in our higher self, our Everlasting Truth, to manage the retrieval of painful memories. As the client's Shadow Story fades and their Everlasting Truth is more operational in life, these memories often emerge naturally. There is a time and place for everything and it is not my business or any other persons business to determine when that time is. There is great wisdom and creativity in the Everlasting Truths ability to keep self safe. Respect and honor of that wisdom is essential for a successful theraputic relationship.
Jim and Kelly's relationship will probably always have an element of drama in it. Jim will continue to be outgoing and at times brash. Kelly will continue to get small and to withdraw. If they both are in tune to their Truths, they will have a different perspective on these issues. They will be able to recognize and come from Truth when they get triggered. There triggers will be less frequent and shorter in duration since they know what to do when triggered. What used to make Kelly think about leaving will cause her pause and then a shrug of the shoulders as she realizes that this is just Jim's stuff. They will make compromises with each other in triggering situations as they did when deciding what to do for their anniversary. Now a banana will be more likely to be just a banana.

ON ENDING A MARRIAGE

When is it appropriate to end a marriage. This is a very complex difficult decision to make especially if children are involved. Issues of security and life style always play an important role. As Phil McGraw says in a recent copy of O magazine, "It is better to be healthy and alone than sick with someone else." The prime issue to consider is, is this relationship doing harm to anyone in the family. If it is and you have sought help to the best of your ability and you are in acceptance of who your partner is and you each understand the others Shadow Story then it may be time to consider divorce. It is very important to remember that as parents we are key contributors to our children's Shadow Stories. It has been found that children can thrive in a divorce situation if it is done well. Think about what you teach your children when they see unloving, painful, sometimes hateful interactions from their parents. Even when you as parents decide to live parallel non intimate lives, you are teaching your children some profound lessons about intimacy. In other words, intimacy does not exist. These children are more likely to grow up and pick non intimate relationships and wonder why they feel so unfulfilled in relationship.

I use the 80/20 rule about relationships. If you are happy 80 percent of the time with respect to the relationship they you have a good solid relationship. If you are happy 50 percent of the time, you have some serious work to do to determine if this relationship can be saved. If you are happy 20 percent of the time you need to ask yourself why you are drawn to pain and suffering and what keeps you from making changes. This tool allows you to ask the right questions about your relationship not to give you the right answer. No one else can answer the question of whether to leave a relationship for you. It may seem so obvious and logical that you should leave, but when you make a decision based on logic rather than personal conviction, you are more likely to create a yo yo relationship where you break up and get back together again which is very chaotic for the whole family. Wait for the knowing and then make the decision. In the meantime get active in discovering your Shadow Story and your Everlasting Truth to help you make sense of this pain that you are suffering.

I recently worked with a couple who look as if they will eventually end the marriage. Stan and Ingrid are a beautiful couple with two beautiful children. They were both very unhappy in the marriage. When they came to see me, we worked on their Stories and determined that Stan's was "I don't fit in" and Ingrid's was "What about me". Stan comes from the old school, is very conservative and Ingrid came more from sophistication in an area of the county where movie stars and rich people vacation. She was bored with her life and relied on marijuana and excessive sleep to take her from her pain. Ingrid was a very self centered, arrogant woman who was unable to see that there was any problem with her. She was a blamer and incessantly would say of Stan, "he just doesn't get it" Ingrid eventually quit coming to sessions because she said they just weren't doing any good. She had difficulty seeing her part in the problem and when she did she would be overcome with shame and pain, sending her to bed rendering her dysfunctional as a wife and mother. Stan was entrenched and committed to his family business in this rural area where they lived. The two were in a stalemate. Ingrid could not be happy in this isolated rural area and Stan could not and did not want to leave. Stan continued to come to therapy so that he could get help in making a decision. His work was about accepting Ingrid just for who she is and that she would never change. This put a whole new spin on Stan's thinking. When he worked on accepting her as is, he saw the marriage in a much different way. He began to distance him self from his wife, in other words to be "married single" and then he began to assess the effects of this unhappy relationship on his children. He began to see the family with new eyes when he got this detachment from the hope that some miracle might happen and Ingrid would suddenly love living in an isolated rural area and would be motivated to do her own personal Story/Truth work. Her unwillingness to do her own work is the key to Stan's understanding that she is who she is and is happy and content on some level with that.

CHAPTER 6 CASE STORIES

Clarice -"Unlovable"

Clarice initially contacted me regarding her eating disorder. She came to her first appointment 2 hours late in a frenzy. I opened the door to meet a dazzlingly beautiful 19 year old who was plump but certainly not obese. Clarice complained that she was very distrustful of therapists, but that she had recently started to vomit after bingeing as the result of recent weight gain and was desperate to get some help. She said that she had been overweight all of her life.

Over the next few months we began to put the pieces of Clarice past together. She had one of the worst childhood's I had ever heard. She grew up in a rural town in the Northwest. Clarice's mother was a drug addict and a relationship addict. Clarice had never met her biological father and was told very little about him from her mother. Her early childhood was marked by her mothers binges with methamphetimine followed by dark depressions rendering her bedridden in a dark room. Clarice was left to fend for herself and her baby sister. There was an ever changing parade of creepy men through Clarice's young life. These men were addicts and abusers. Clarice had memories of being tormented and tortured by these men for example, being made to watch pornography with one of them.

Clarice learned to trust no one. In order to protect herself, she developed a very tough demeanor and an I don't care attitude. At school, the only place she felt safe, she became the class clown which hid her genius I.Q. She had been put in classes for the learning disabled where she nearly succumbed to boredom and she was called a slacker in high school. She was an aggressive, feisty child as the result of her consistent and repeated childhood trauma. Clarice's aggressiveness and toughness protected an extreme vulnerability and sensitivity.

At the age of 13 Clarice and her mother(her sister was with her own father, an alcoholic) moved to an isolated mountain area. In the middle of winter with no electricity or gas, as the Dans were unpaid, her mother left with the dog not to return. Clarice was left alone to fend for herself. She went to the next door neighbors home to borrow some kerosene. These neighbors became Clarice's angels and her compassionate witnesses. They asked her why she needed kerosene. She told them, and they immediately took her in and raised her on and off for the remainder of her childhood. She did spend some time with her elderly grandfather when her aggressiveness became too much for the angel couple to deal with.

Clarice got involved with alcohol and other drugs in her early teens. She partied with abandon and at one point nearly died of alcohol poisoning. This event frightened her and made her look at her life. She decided to quit drinking periodically only to resume the drinking when she was hurt and lonely or afraid. Whenever she drank she would make a fool of herself, and would at times become violent and unreasonable. Clarice was not an easy drunk. She alienated those she was close to with her brashness and violence.

Clarice married young to a young man who was not her equal in intelligence or sophistication. She decided to take on his fundamentalist Christian beliefs for a period of time, but she was generally unsatisfied with this belief system. She became an abusive and controlling wife. She hated herself for the way she treated her husband and began bingeing and vomiting to deal with her extreme unhappiness and her overweight.

Clarice also became interested in college. She was horribly ashamed of her family which included an uncle who was a murderer. She wanted to rise above the family reputation and become a success. She became a psychology major and finally discovered how intelligent she was. Her dream was to become an FBI profiler. She did very well in school and performed at the top of her peers. She was by now a very anxious, depressed, and troubled young woman. She had difficulty making friends and was unhappy in her marriage.

Clarice had resumed some contact with her bio mother. Their relationship was marked by the dynamics typical of abused and neglected children. Clarice had a fierce sense of loyalty for her mother and felt that it was her responsibility to care for her. She was terrified of losing her mother. Her mother went to jail for drug offenses and discovered AA. She contacted Clarice with this news, and Clarice was filled with hope that she could finally have a good relationship with her mother. When her mother was almost killed in a propane tank explosion, Clarice was even more motivated to care for her mother. She went to visit and discovered that her mother had married a man who was a drinking alcoholic. This man made a pass at Clarice which only triggered all of the past events with all of those creepy boyfriends. Clarice never mentioned this to her mother, but she was disgusted by this event.

When Clarice grandfather died, she was made executor of the will as she was the only member of the family who had any sense of responsibility. She also lived in the state where her grandfather had died. At this point Clarice discovered her mothers true nature. The mother was unreasonable, selfish and self centered while she hounded Clarice for money now. Clarice finally came to understand in our therapy together who her mother really was. When the estate was finally settled Clarice told her mother that she never wanted to contact with her again. To this day she remains true to that commitment. This was one of the hardest things that Clarice had ever done. Thankfully she still had the angel couples love and devotion. She began to call them mom and dad which they welcomed and supported.

STORY DYNAMICS
It was a simple matter for Clarice to discover that her Shadow Story was that she is "Unlovable". I asked her what she believed about herself as the result of her experience as a child. She was able on an intellectual level name her story and make sense out of how it affected her. But that was just the beginning.

The first part of our work together was very intellectual. Clarice told me that she had had a bad experience with therapy so I used a lot of self disclosure to help her to see me as someone who had been there. This helped her relax and trust that I knew what I was talking about. She was able to see me as a person. Then she needed to see that I would not abandon her no matter what. This took time. It took a long time for Clarice to feel comfortable and to trust me and to open up emotionally. The first thing she did very early on in the work was to end her marriage and to stop vomiting. Since Clarice's story was "unlovable", she suffered much abandonment pain at the end of her marriage. She was baffled by this because intellectually, she thought that since it was her decision to end the marriage that it should be relatively easy for her. This was not the case. She suffered greatly over the break up. She questioned her decision, she euphorically recalled the love that they shared, minimizing the hard times and focusing on the good ones. She worried that she would never find another love. The one thing that kept her from reconciling with her husband was the memory of how abusive and controlling she had been of him. She had watched herself become someone she did not know while she was married. She did not like this side of herself and she knew that he did not deserve the kind of treatment that she gave him. She was shocked by her behavior and felt that this was not who she really was. She did not want to hurt her husband any more so she left the marriage. She also thought that her bingeing and purging was due to her extreme unhappiness in her marriage.

Clarice was primarily an expresser of her Story. She had learned early on in her childhood that to be vulnerable or lovable would destroy her. So she became tough and aloof and at times mean and abusive to protect herself from the harm that was all around in her life. As an expresser of "unlovablility", she raged and kicked and screamed at the men that threatened her as a child. In school she was aloof and comical, never letting anyone in to her private world of hurt. She always had a quick retort when anyone at school said anything hurtful to her. She would never let her hurt show. She did become her mothers protector as well. She took over all the duties in the household when she was just a little girl. She cooked and cleaned and took care of her little sister. Her loyalty to her mother was enhanced by her mothers inability to function during her drug binges and her black depressions. Clarice became the mother to her mother trying to gain her mothers love and approval only to be ignored and eventually abandoned at 14. When she was abandoned by the mother, this only proved to Clarice that she was "unlovable". No matter how hard she tried she could not gain her mothers love.

Clarice's efforts to protect herself through aloofness and meanness made people stay away from her which caused her to feel unloved and unwanted by others. She was terrified to reach out to others and when she did she tended to put all of her eggs in one basket and she became enmeshed and dependent on the person that she opened up to.

Clarice developed a friendship in high school that brought out her dependency and enmeshment issue. She met a girl named Paula who befriended her and opened her home up to Clarice. Paula's parents were much more healthy and loving than anything Clarice had ever known. The two girls became inseparable. They formed a deep bond and Clarice was very happy to have a friend she could be vulnerable with. So she gave it all. She did everything for Paula, she took care of her and could not get enough of her. She finally felt that she was loved and that she loved someone. She worshiped Paula and felt that she could do no wrong. Then Paula got involved with a young man that Clarice did not approve of. This man represented a threat to Paula and a threat to the relationship that Paula and Clarice shared. Clarice's unlovability clicked in full force. She began raging and vandalized his car. This marked the end of Clarice and Paula's relationship. Clarice was once more abandoned and ashamed of her behavior, proving her "unlovability" to herself . As Clarice describes it, "I went psychotic". The rift was never mended and Clarice remains today very wary of close attachments. She recently shared with me that her fear is that when she feels intimate, she becomes irritable and begins to feel rage. Her "unlovability" is most operational when she feels an intimate connection with someone. Clarice refuses to have a pet and has committed to never having children because she fears that she will go into one of her "psychotic rages" and harm her loved one. This is very tormenting for Clarice and it is also at this point in her work a reasonable commitment to make. Clarice's Story is very profound and deeply imbedded. She functions quite well in the work situation and at school, but it is in intimate relationships that her "unlovability" is most threatening.

THE WORK

The first thing that Clarice acknowledged was that her recovery work must be very intense. After a few retreats into self will Clarice surrendered to a treatment program. Two years into her treatment she acknowledged her alcoholism and finally became willing to go to Self Help meetings at least five times per week. At first she balked at going to meetings because she felt that all of the people there were losers. In actuality she feared the connection she might make because to her connection meant violence and rejection, rage, and abandonment. Her judgment of Self Help members kept her safe from harming any of them and from making a fool of herself which would only further entrench her "unlovability" issues. Finally in desperation and relapse in her eating disorder and alcoholism, she committed to attending meetings on a regular basis. She found a sponsor who was also dually addicted to food and alcohol who she speaks with and cares for and periodically resents and becomes irritable with. She is making good progress with her Self Help work. Her recovery is punctuated with brief relapses into compulsive eating and drinking, but to date she has not vomited for over 2 years.

Counseling- Phase One
The counseling relationship is one of the most intimate relationships that a person can have. Given Clarice's fear of intimacy and abandonment, closeness progressed extremely slowly. Clarice committed to two sessions per week and to long term treatment. At the time of this writing we have been working together for nearly five years on a twice per week basis. Clarice has only dropped out of counseling once for a period of a few months in the beginning when she was drinking very heavily and acting out in ways which were unacceptable to her.

At first, the counseling relationship focused on intellectual concepts and was very much like a student teacher relationship. Clarice felt safe dealing with concepts and ideas and Danosophy. I used self disclosure with her where appropriate in an effort to build her trust that she was speaking to someone who had recovered from many of the same issues that she was working on. Clarice maintained a cool distance from me. I respected this distance and did not push on further closeness at this phase of our work together. If the relationship was intellectual then Clarice's "unlovability" would not be threatened because to her it was like going to school, where she functioned quite well for the most part. I became her mentor and a safe person for her to unload some of her secrets and torments. I respected Clarice's decision to avoid eye contact and to hug like a she had a board lodged in her spine. She did hug because much of her work was in group where the other members all hugged at the end. It was clear that this was uncomfortable for her but it was more uncomfortable for her to be the only one who did not hug. So this became part of our routine together, a stiff, no eye contact, hug at the end of group or meeting or individual session. Clarice is now in another state attending college, but before she left for school, we would see each other in session and at self help meetings sometimes four times per week. It was good for Clarice to see me frequently. This built up her comfort level with my presence and she was also able to see me share in self help meetings as a fellow recovering person.

I gave Clarice a lot of support and compliments about her work and her progress. She accepted these accolades with wary pleasure. I validated her feelings and commiserated with her and was very gentle with guidance and suggestions. She was a rebellious soul and would rail at directives. I would use questions that she could answer herself to provide herself with guidance and suggestions. This was a safe way to guide her in this initial phase of our work together which lasted for the first two years.

Phase Two

Up to this point, Clarice had never shared any emotion with me. Our work was totally intellectual and safe in terms of intimacy. I was the person who she saw a lot, but did not have intimacy with.

One day Clarice came wanting to talk more about her childhood reactions. She talked about how tough and aggressive and parental to her mother she had been. I asked her what would have happened if she had not been this way. She realized that she probably would have died by accident or violence. For the first time Clarice cried in session and she cried hard. She realized that her expression her Story had literally saved her life and she began to chip away at the toughness that had to this point been her salvation. She cried with abandon. This is the period that we referred to as her "leaking period". At each session Clarice would have a good deep cry while maintaining her distance. She was urged to have compassion for the little girl that she was and she began to fall in love with her. She committed to refrain from seeing herself as silly, or too sensitive or weak in an effort to bolster her toughness and invulnerability to the pain all around her. Instead, she would visualize herself as a little girl and befriend her and take care of her. This would make Clarice cry buckets.

I would occasionally reach over to Clarice while she was crying and touch her on the leg. At first this would stop her emotions so I would back away. After a while I was able to touch her while she cried and she could allow it without interruption. One day she was talking about some pain from childhood and crying and I went over and sat next to her on the couch. The crying continued. Then I put my arm around her and she continued. Finally I encouraged her to lean on me a little and she wailed and leaned and cuddled. This was a major breakthrough for Clarice. She had finally trusted me enough to let me mother her a bit. And it felt good to her. She marveled that she did not pull away in our work together. This was probably the first time that Clarice realized that she could feel affection with a safe person who would not reject or judge her. Her lovability was finally safe with me. It wasn't until she had unloaded many of her darkest secrets and ickyness in our Mentor Mode and experienced no judgment or withdrawal or shock from me that she was finally able to surrender to some loving kindness in our work together. This loving kindness was sporadic and tenuous and defined by Clarice. She did not jump into my arms because she feared that if she did this she would eventually destroy our relationship with rage so she accepted affection in small doses. The benefit of this phase of Clarice's work was that she marveled that she was able to feel empathy for the first time in her life. Her sensitivity toward others increased and she enjoyed these feelings.

Phase Three

The most current phase of Clarice's treatment is marked by here ability to be vulnerable with me in a safe and consistent way. The tears still flow when we work together. When she moved out of state, the work on the phone seemed to afford her a margin of safety which allowed her to share her feelings about me. This had, up to this point been a very threatening idea to her because in the past when she shared feelings with others who she cared about, the relationship would take a turn for the worse due to her "unlovability" issues and the expectations she would overlay on to the relationship which would cause her to be enmeshed and obsessed. She finally told me how much she treasured our work together and how important regular contact was to her. She was able to praise me for not judging her and to not be surprised by anything she said to me. The importance of this disclosure was not about me or my abilities, it marked Clarice's willingness to trust and test the waters of intimate relationship. It was during this phase that she shared the remaining secrets that she had held on to which to her, would prove that she was evil or insane. My response would always be to praise her for being so brave and vulnerable and to put these secrets in the light of her Story. We talked a lot about how early childhood abuse and neglect affects children in ways that she had been affected. It was during this phase that Clarice decided to stay out of relationship with men and to work on her relationship with herself, her sponsor, and her friends. These relationships continued to be problematic at times, but now instead of fleeing or fighting she would work through them in counseling. She could refrain from becoming sunk in her "unlovability" and could find the happy medium of loving detachment. Clarice realized that she could sense when she was becoming enmeshed with another and that this was the time to detach and pull away a bit and to do her Story work.

When Clarice Discovered her Story

Clarice took to the Philosophy of the Shadow Story like a fish to water. It worked for her because it was intellectual and was contained in a philosophical context. When she understood her story and how she was primarily an expressor she began to see her behavior in a different way. She started to look at her behavior in terms of triggers. At times she would start the session with the words, "I am really in my unlovability today" rather than blaming her upset on others, she was able to take responsibility for her feelings and to look at the issue as an opportunity to learn. Clarice was remarkably agile at utilizing insight in her work. She was so bright that she would take a new idea and implement it into her arsenal or recovery techniques and use it to focus on her Truth. Clarice's Everlasting Truth was that she is a Gift and a Treasure and that she is well loved by all. This was so difficult at first for her to even utter. It felt like a total lie to her.

As Clarice worked on her triggers she came to realize that she did have value while remaining humble and grateful for these insights into her Truth. She would have an issue with a friend or her roommate and she would put the issue into the context of her own Story and that the other person had a Story as well. She was better able to not take everything personally or to people please in order to avoid conflict. She learned the value of taking a time out from the pain of relationship and then to reconnect in a more detached and enlightened way after Story Processing.

The work that Clarice did on her Shadow Story enabled her to see herself in a different light. She no longer blamed herself for her limitations. Instead she was able to compassionately understand how her Story was formed and to shift her focus to her Everlasting Truth and to act accordingly. She learned to refrain from self abuse and internal verbal insults. She had always heard from her family that she was a "traitor" to the family. The reason for this was that she was the only one who was responsible and committed to school and to her own betterment. The rest of the family was lost to drugs and self centeredness and decline. Misery loves company, so the family attempted to bring Clarice down to their level so they would not have to look at themselves. Clarice was unwilling to fall but learned to feel badly for her success and to her commitment to growth. "traitor" was a subset to her "unlovable" story. When she was able to understand that the "traitor" label was their problem not hers she was able to gradually feel better about her accomplishments and for her desires to achieve more for herself. Since Clarice does not have "not good enough" or "stupid" as part of her Shadow Story, she is very confident about her intelligence and her commitment to her education and eventual career path. When she found out that she was not eligible for the FBI due to her drug use, she was devastated for a period of time, but eventually decided on forensic psychology. She stuck with the school path even while feeling aimless and futile. Thankfully, this is one of her great blessings because she has an area of her life which is relatively trouble free. When she began to have difficulty in school due to a very demanding job and work schedule, she was able to quit that job and to adjust easily to her new more open schedule. She never attributed her difficulties to her intellectual abilities, she just felt that she was beginning to hate school. Once she quit her job, and decided on a major with plan, she started to be more motivated and focused in her schoolwork and she began to bring up her grades.

The Shadow Story defines by its name the type of difficulty one will have in ones life. Some Stories define relational challenges while others define challenges to success and achievement. Unfortunately some Stories are so global, such as "Worthless" or "I don't exist" that the Story demands that the person be challenged in all areas. These Stories can be lethal. Clarice's Story is profound yet limited in it's scope. This bodes well for her ability to make progress and to have a reasonably satisfying life. She may as she gets older choose the single life to protect herself from the challenges of her story or she may be fortunate to connect with a man who will assist her in her work by being devoted and understanding of her Story so that she can further realize how lovable she truly is. Either option is functional. We all have to work with what we have up to the level of our gifts and our limitations.

At the time of this writing, Clarice is a much wiser young woman. She still gets triggered and experiences pain but the pain is more short lived and the trigger is understood as a trigger rather than a truth. Her previous attempts to escape from her sorrow through alcohol and overeating and vomiting are seen as misguided attempts at relief. Since Clarice knows this, she does not delve into these behaviors for this purpose. Since doing her Story work, Clarice just knows too much and is forced to look at all problems as something to be faced and dealt with rather than to escape from them. She at times longs for happy ignorance and is very challenged by her youth because she sees her counterparts escaping as part of their culture. Clarice is wise beyond her years which in a sense makes her stand alone amongst her peers. This at times triggers her "unlovability, traitor" story but this is quickly replaced with gratitude for her progress. She does at times judge others as being losers, and idiots but can put this in perspective of all the work she has done and can let her judgments go. I have not heard her position herself as better than others as the result of her knowledge and wisdom. This is a very good sign. One of the reasons Clarice can cope with her wisdom is that she has found a place of worship and actively works on her spiritual life. She prays daily and is developing a closeness with her God. She works at gratitude and humility and giving credit to God for all of her gifts. Yes, she stumbles but Clarice now has the tools to pick herself up again. Clarice remains in therapy at this writing and is committed to her work and her recovery.

Gypsy- "Useless and hopeless"

Gypsy began working with me after coming in with her daughter to work on some family issues. She was a woman of about 50 of Armenian decent and was a working social worker in a psychiatric facility. Gypsy was a very attractive, loving and kind woman. She had a deep belief in God and was very forgiving and grateful for having God in her life. She had a very basic optimism and was able to focus on beauty and love even though parts of her life were extremely unhappy. Gypsy came to me because she was unhappy, primarily in her marriage of 30 years. She described her husband and abusive and uncaring. She said that he would refuse to speak to her for months at a time. She described a sort of painful dependency that I often see in abused women. She was unhappy, but she could not even fathom that she would leave this man. Perhaps Gypsy's optimism served as a way of dissociating herself from her pain at this point in her life. Her commitment to the marriage was so strong that early in her marriage while her two children were very small she attempted to take her life to be free of the abuse. This began her therapy work on the east coast in the early 1960's.

One of the first questions that I asked Gypsy was what do you think your life would be like if you were living alone. This question started a process that took almost 10 years to complete. At first Gypsy was very tentative and minimizing as she described the type of abuse that she received from her husband, Harold. She was not ready to face the true impact that this abuse had had on her. She was prepared as a social worker though to tell me that his diagnosis was Borderline Personality. She described his mood swings and his using his daughter as his surrogate wife as a way to make her feel "not good enough" and hopeless. He would have rages alternating with being remote. Gypsy described him as being a very selfish and inconsiderate lover as she reported that she had never had an orgasm. She had spent her whole life up to this point being a devoted wife and mother. Her work and previously her college years, when her children were small were her salvation and her escape from this unhappy marriage. Even so she had trouble in her work. She would be frustrated with the politics and found herself being demoted and written up for not performing up to the level of the hospital's expectations. This was very painful to her as work and school was such a primary source of escape from the pain. So when Gypsy came to me, she felt that her escape strategies were breaking down and that she needed some serious support for the pain that she was experiencing.

Gypsy grew up in a traditional first generation Armenian family on the east coast. Her father was a successful business man and her mother was the traditional housewife. Gypsy had a brother who was the favored one as he was a boy. Gypsy would go to work with her father but did not enjoy it as all the attention went to her brother James. She was aware of the inequities and would occasionally rebel by acting out and getting in trouble because she was not allowed to speak her mind, but for the most part she was a compliant child. Gypsy enjoyed creativity and loved to play dress up and particularly loved it when her grandmother, a gifted psychic would read the coffee grounds. Gypsy's grandmother taught her how to read cup and Gypsy in turn taught her daughter Lynn to read cup as well. This was the Armenian tradition. Gypsy adored her grandmother and saw her as a rescuer of sorts. She felt loved and adored by her, whereas in her immediate family she felt neglected and that she did not have a place or a use. Her grandmother modeled the strong independent woman for her. She was a brave woman who stood up for her beliefs and was one of only three women in her extended family who graduated from an institution of higher learning in the old country. It was devastating to Gypsy when her grandmother was kicked out of the family home due to infighting within the extended family . Gypsy came home from school one day to find her grandmother gone without an explanation or any forewarning. This taught her that it was hopeless to try to be as strong as her grandmother. Gypsy's mother also suffered a disappointment when she assumed that her marriage would be a 50/50 proposition only to find out that her husband was traditional. Gypsy's mother acquiesced which further enhanced Gypsy's sense of hopelessness. Gypsy had some trouble in school even though she was a good student and enjoyed learning.

When Gypsy met and became engaged to Harold, she had a sinking feeling that this relationship was not right for her. She married him anyway as she believed that she had made her bed so she was to sleep in it. The abuse began shortly after they were married which included beatings. The beatings stopped after Gypsy's suicide attempt, when Harold beat her and Gypsy called the police. He never hit her again, but the emotional abuse continued. She and Harold did some therapy together, but Harold was a disinterested client who minimized and justified his behavior, so Gypsy continued alone. She also signed up for college at the prompting of her therapist at the time. Harold was very unsupportive of this decision but Gypsy did it anyway in the tradition of her grandmother. She loved college and felt "useful and hopeful" there. She became committed to learning and came to depend on the awards and compliments that she received at school. As the years went on Gypsy became a Licensed Social Worker, and later a Certified Drug and Alcohol Counselor. It was as if for Gypsy these licenses and certifications acted as proof that she was "useful" and valued. She was always willing to get more training and more certifications as a way of bolstering her own perceived value. Each validation that she got professionally drove a deeper wedge into her marriage. Later in Gypsy's life this need to be certified and validated would have to be severely questioned when she pondered a career change which would mark the beginning of Gypsy living in her Everlasting Truth.

Gypsy's Shadow Story

Gypsy believed that she was "useless" and that attainment of a good life was "hopeless". This belief was formed from the attitude of her family and of her culture that females are of lesser importance. It was difficult to come to Gypsy's Shadow Story perhaps because her childhood was basically healthy save for the cultural attitude about females. Her family of origin remained intact and the role in the family were traditional and agreed upon by both of her parents. She did not suffer any horrendous abuse or have many traumatic experiences in her childhood, except for the fact that her father was a rager which was consistent with the cultural norm. Her "useless/hopeless" story was severe enough however to prompt her to take her own life and to stay in a dismally unhappy marriage for over 30 years.

THE WORK

Since Gypsy was so loyal and committed to her marriage, we did not focus on that issue initially. I proposed my question about how her life would be if she was not married to Harold and let that question steep for the next 6 years while we worked on other issues that were troubling her.

Addiction Issues

Gypsy had developed addiction issues. She was a food addict who made a commitment to Overeaters(OA) anonymous early on in her therapy. She loved the 12 step program, and was devoted from the beginning. Her spiritual beliefs were validated by the 12 steps and for many years the meetings were her place of worship.

After a period of time in OA, Gypsy discovered that she had money issues, so she joined Debtors Anonymous(DA). She had learned from her childhood that the man of the house handled all of the money and she carried this belief into her marriage. The fact that Harold was secretive and controlling of the money did not alarm Gypsy due to her traditional beliefs. She noticed the secretiveness but was able to shrug it off and give all of the financial power over to Harold. She felt it was hopeless to make any changes. She lived with a sense of vagueness about money and did not have a clue about how to manage it. This fostered her dependency upon Harold. After Gypsy joined DA, her learning and knowledge created further strain on the marriage as she wanted to become more involved in decisions and information regarding the families finances. The valuable information she learned in DA made some inroads into her Story. She began to believe that perhaps she was deserving and good enough to understand finances and play a more active role in that traditionally male domain.

Then Gypsy discovered that she had issues with alcohol as well. She had used alcohol to soothe her pain. Drinking was also an activity that she did share with her husband. She had never been a very heavy drinker but since she had become certified in the area of drug and alcohol addiction, she began to see a pattern of use that smacked of addiction. So Gypsy joined Alcoholics Anonymous(AA) and stopped drinking. This of course drove a new wedge into her marriage. It should be coming clear that each step that Gypsy made toward her own recovery was further separating her from her abusive marriage. Even though in therapy we were not really looking at those marital issues directly, the necessary steps toward Gypsy's independence and autonomy were being laid and she was beginning to feel useful and hopeful especially when she was of service in her programs.

Career Issues

Gypsy chose social work as an attempt to prove her usefulness. Gypsy had a sense of disappointment about her work. She had a difficult time understanding that work was not as satisfying as school was. She loved what she had studied but when it came down to the actual job of being a social worker and a drug and alcohol counselor, she felt that something was missing. She was undergoing a lot of pressure at the hospital where she was employed. She did not feel valued as an employee and was getting written up for poor performance, especially in the area of paperwork. Gypsy was developing a sense of hopelessness about her work life which was very threatening to her.

Around this time, about 5 years into our work together, it became necessary for Gypsy to take her oral exams for her license. Gypsy would take the test and fail, only to join a study group to take the test again, and to fail. This was extremely painful to Gypsy. The area that had been so validating of her before had become a source of frustration and hopelessness. These failures were a sign that would ultimately lead Gypsy to her true calling.

We began to look at Gypsy's learning abilities. It was clear that she was highly intelligent so we decided to have her tested for learning disabilities and ADD. She was discovered to have both. She got on medicine for her ADD which vastly improved her ability to focus and to communicate. It is important to note that Gypsy is bilingual. English is her second language, so her communication deficits had always been attributed to that fact. Now she came to understand that her ability to communicate was the result of her brains inability to function like other brains. When required to take the exam once more, she rose to her own defense and got an exception to how her orals would be administered, under the precepts and adjustments dictated by the Americans with Disabilities Act, and she finally passed her orals and became licensed. End of story? Not by a long shot. Gypsy continued to be unfulfilled at work. She was frustrated with the staff politics and felt like she did not really fit in at work. To add insult to injury, her supervisor who she adored was transferred to another area of the hospital and now Gypsy was alone with no supports at all at work. She was finally in a situation that felt very similar to her marriage.

I urged Gypsy to get involved with some extra curricular creative activities as she was a highly creative and passionate woman. She began a writing class which lead to an acting class in which she excelled. This part of her life was now the only true pleasure that she was experiencing. As you might imagine, Harold was very neutral about her involvement's in the arts. He was not as opposed though because creative endeavors are more consistent with his belief about the feminine role in the Armenian Family. But at this point the marriage was practically nonexistent.

It was about at this point that Gypsy began to suspect that her husband was having an affair. This was perceived as a breech of their agreement by her. She was now ready to look at the marriage directly. So much work had been done by Gypsy to understand that her "useless/hopeless" Story was not the truth she finally had the strength and recovery to decide to end the marriage. She dealt with this issue with expediency and craft. While Harold was out of town, she found an apartment and moved all of her belongings out all in one weekend.. Her "hopelessness" told her that she did not deserve to claim what was rightfully hers. I continually reminded her of the laws in California that half of everything was hers. She did not even know what their combined value was but she dutifully divided all of their belonging in a fair and equitable way. Gypsy had become a willing and teachable client as the result of all of our work together. She trusted me and was finally willing to act from a place of truth and justice for her own behalf. This separation was the beginning of a renaissance for Gypsy.

Back to Work

Once the separation was complete and Gypsy had hired a lawyer to handle her divorce, she began to blossom. Harold was being reasonable with her because he thought that he still had a chance to get Gypsy back. Once it became clear that Gypsy was through with the marriage, Harold became very unreasonable and difficult to deal with. He made their mediation and hearing very difficult, but Gypsy was prepared. She went through this process with bravery and dignity and ended up with a fair settlement. While she was going through this difficult period of her divorce, she did a lot of spiritual work. She prayed for Harold and put the outcome in God's hands. She stayed in a state of gratitude for her freedom and she was even able to maintain a sense of love for her estranged husband, even though her desire to end the marriage was unwavering.

And so at the age of 57, Gypsy became a free woman who was financially stable and free to discover herself in a different way. She got more involved in her creative pursuits and made numerous friends both male and female in the arts and in the 12 step programs. She learned how to manage her money and her attorney as well as her accountant and tax preparer.

It was now time for Gypsy to face her life and her true calling. Her work situation was at this point non existent, she had been laid off from work and she was searching for a way to provide for herself while she was healing from a 35 year abusive marriage. One of her true joys in life was to read the coffee grounds or "reading cup". I offered the idea of starting a business doing cup reading. After much reluctance over feeling that this type of work would negate and even conflict with her professional credentials(which helped to define her identity and prove usefulness), Gypsy made the leap of faith and plunged into the world of spiritual growth Armenian style. She got herself a costume, and began to research building a business which involved promoting, marketing, advertising and the like. She enjoyed all of these activities and was good at them. She used pray and her faith and gratitude to build her business. She understood that it would take a few years for this business to take off, and in the meantime, she enjoyed all of the positive feedback that she got as the result of her readings with people. For the first time in her life Gypsy was being honored and validated for her true talents. Her clients were amazed by her abilities and her business began to grow. She was not making enough money to survive but her divorce settlement took up the financial slack and she was able to effectively pursue her souls work. Gypsy set up an interview with a local newspaper and one year later the article came out to a barrage of phone calls. The article was very positive. The beauty of this kind of work for Gypsy was that she could use all of her skills that she had learned from her social work education. There was in truth no conflict at all. In fact the two disciplines complimented each other beautifully. Gypsy's work had become a part of her healing and growth. She was beginning to feel fulfilled and energized by her work.

A fly in the ointment

Around the time of Gypsy's career transformation, she went to the Dr. for a regular check up. Gypsy had many physical challenges and had inherited both heart disease and cancer from her ancestors. She had been on hormone replacement therapy for menopause and developed a lump in her breast which was later diagnosed as cancer. Gypsy now entered a new challenge in her life. In looking at the possible opportunities defined by this illness, Gypsy realized that her true challenge was to allow herself to be a receiver of love. This was a foreign idea to her. She had always been the giver of love but the receiver of abuse and pain. This was a very difficult transition for Gypsy. When Gypsy was so ill from the chemotherapy that she received, she had to ask for help to do the simple things like drive to the Dr. for check ups. Her daughter Lynn was happy to help and offered to let Gypsy stay at her house while recuperating from the chemotherapy. This was a huge stretch for Gypsy and she cried buckets at the outpouring of love that she received from Lynn, her 12 step friends and her artist friends, even from Harold. She was forced to be a receiver of love and care by her illness. Through this Gypsy began to see herself in a different light. She began to see that she did not have to be useful to be loved and that there was some hope that she could fulfill her role in this lifetime by being a giver and a taker by just being who she truly was.

STORY DYNAMICS- THE ACTION SOLUTION

Gypsy's healing from her story was all about the action that she was willing to take in her life. Some heal by changing the belief, enabling a different kind of living pattern while others get busy and through action change their belief about self and story. As Chuck Chamberlain put in his book, "A new pair of Glasses", you "cannot think your way into better living you must live your way into better thinking". This is very much the 12 step Danosophy which states that Action is the Key. The first step in this process is the willingness to go to any lengths to recover. Gypsy had this gift and this attitude which served her well. As she made her gentle strides toward her recovery in tiny steps, she gracefully became transformed. She used the Shadow Story concept as a reminder of what task was to be performed next. She was open to the idea that this story was not the truth and she set out to find herself through her faith and her action. Clarice's process was different than Gypsy's. Clarice needed to understand in a logical way, the truth before she could take the action necessary to heal. Much of Clarice's work was between her ears initially and then, she could see the sense of taking the action. This is because much of Clarice's pain was her fear of trusting herself and others. She was afraid to move headlong into the next challenge until she completely understood the logic of it because she had such a horribly unsafe childhood. Gypsy was by nature a trusting and willing soul because her safety needs were met as a child. If I suggested something to her she did it and reported back to me. She had many challenges along the way just as Clarice did. Their processes were just different, in part defined by their different stories.
Today Gypsy is still actively involved in her healing process from cancer. She is in the middle of chemotherapy and maintains a grateful attitude. She has eliminated from her life all energies which bring her down and even with these self imposed losses, she continues to be grateful and positive in her attitude.

DAN-UNWANTED

I felt that it was necessary to represent the down side of the Shadow Story and this case story is also a tribute to a lost life. Dan was a very beautiful talented and brilliant man. He excelled in music, art, and all creative endeavors. He did not have the ability to maintain relationships however and he lived in fear and a sense of paranoia that people were out to harm him. When I met Dan he was a real individual. He had a presence that what like a magnet. He attracted people all around him but he did not have the slightest idea of what to do with them when he had them finally under his spell. So he would sabotage these relationships by messing up. Dan was an alcoholic and a drug addict. If he got anxious in a relationship he would get drunk or loaded and would mess it up. He did not have the ability to say no, so he would use self destruction to remove him self from perceived harm.

Dan grew up without a mother. Both of his parents were alcoholics and his mother left him at two. She went off with the next door neighbor and left her two darling little boys behind. Dan never got over this abandonment. His Shadow story developed at a very early age. He always believed that he was UNWANTED. Dan's father married a very responsible but cold and resentful woman to raise his two gifted and troubled boys. Early after their marriage Dan's father retired to the couch in the living room. Dan grew up with his father drunk on the couch while his step mother provided for the two boys as best she could. Sarah loved these two boys but she did not have the tools to love them well. She made Dan her husband replacement and she dumped all of her rage on him as well. When Bob, Dan's dad was not passed out on the couch he was abusive and hateful. This man stayed on the couch until Dan was in his late 30's when Bob died from cancer. Sarah died a few short years later from complications from bowel surgery.

I must note that Dan's reportage of the events of his childhood may be colored by his paranoia and mistrust of people. The events are accurate but the emotional and personal interactions may be characterized by this mistrust.

Dan had lots of trouble in school. He had learning disabilities, especially in math, but he could draw at the level of a genius. His teachers saw his gifts but did not know how to guide him because he was such an unusual child. Dan actively resisted authority and learned early to be a moving target. Early in Dan's high school years he found drugs which freed him from his cage of fear and mistrust. It did not take long at all for Dan to become addicted to heroin, the ultimate killer of pain. When I met Dan, he was 18 and resisting the draft in the mid sixties. He did this by the use of what he called Vodka fasts. He dropped his weight to 111 lbs at 6'1" tall. He had very big, very curly hair, which on his very skinny frame made him look like a match. At this point in his life Dan started to unconsciously look for the nurturing and love that he had never experienced. He began to rely on a close friend, Sam to take care of him and started a pattern of freeloading. He was very charming and soft spoken and his talent wooed those around him. He was good at finding caretakers and his skinniness just made others want to take him in and fatten him up. So Dan and Sam became inseparable. When Sam went to Art School, Dan just hung out with him and went to his classes with him. They lived in a tool shed with a dirt floor, for a period of time and then finally Sam rented a house. Sam was attracted to Dan's musical talent and they would play guitars together. Sam had been in a number of bands, but Dan would never perform because he had an extreme case of social phobia. So Sam just worshipped Dan's abilities and allowed him to hang out for a period of years. Sam would occasionally get exasperated with Dan drug and alcohol abuse and would kick him out, always taking him back. When Sam got married Dan had to find his own way but instead found heroin. He started living with Sam's sister on and off for a period of many years. She would also kick him out and then take him back in. And then he would find others to care for him. His striking handsomness and his talent made it easy to find women, but once they saw how troubled he was they would leave him. He would be "unwanted".

And then he found Laura. Laura was a caretaker and very codependent. She took him in, fell desperately in love with him and lived with him for a period of six months. He had by now quit heroin, was in his mid thirties and had substituted alcohol for his preferred heroin. By now Dan was a late stage periodic alcoholic. He would drink until he was close to death and then would quit cold turkey to crash into horrible withdrawal and DT's(delirium tremens). It would take him close to a week to recover and then by the time he was feeling better, he would begin to drink again, only to repeat the process over and over. Dan had gotten a job building sets for toy commercials and music video's. His talent at this was so immense that his employers would overlook his unreliability. He began to make good money and the work was sporadic and intense which suited his periodic alcoholic life style. Around this time Laura found alanon and within a few months kicked Dan out again with a copy of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and all of his worldly possessions which fit in a large box. He moved into his truck and continued to work building sets. One day he came to Laura in a terribly hungover state and asked for help. She told him that she could not help him and that the only thing she could think of to help him was AA. She still was very much in love with him but was taking the suggestions from her Alanon sponsor and friends. Dan decided to give AA a try and within a few weeks was sober. And within four months Laura and Dan were married.

Dan still had his mistrust, anxiety and paranoia. Dan and Laura's marriage was not a happy one. He became a good provider, but still had no skills at relationship. Laura felt neglected by Dan. He would sleep all day and be in the garage all night working on his sets. She was an early riser so she rarely saw him. He was unwilling and unable to relate to her so they did what many couples in troubled marriages do, they had a baby. Dan did not want to be a parent(for very good reason), but Laura insisted. And so Les was born. Laura was able to get affection from her little boy and Dan just adored him. Dan and Laura's relationship did not improve however and by the time Les was three, they were divorced. Dan remained sober for around seven years, even through his divorce.

It took about a week to find another woman and they married and had a little girl together. Dan was still working but the stress of marriage and step children and the abuse that his new wife gave to Les, he drank again for a short period of time. This period of sobriety lasted five years and then this marriage ended when Les was about nine. By this time Dan had had two minor heart attacks as the result of his destructive life style. He continued to smoke cigarettes, eat unhealthy food and to drink and use.

Dan had developed a pattern of drawing women to him and getting himself out of the relationship by drinking and being a mess. His "UNWANTEDNESS" defined his course of action in his relationships. He would make himself so intolerable that his partner would stop wanting him and would leave him. He never had to take responsibility for the end of these relationships. He started hating women and retreated into his alcohol. The rest of Dan's life consisted of dating, drinking and trying to be a father to his son and daughter. He tried the two important relationships with the children that he adored as well. He had no parenting skills, but he loved his kids and he became their playmate He would take them on fun vacations to resort areas only to go off the wagon and pass out with two young children in his care. Les would call his mom and she would come rescue him and his sister Ellie. Dan's addiction was worsening and his children even though they loved him began to mistrust and disrespect him. Then the worst thing that could have happened did happen. Dan inherited a large amount of money from an aunt. He was in the height of his addiction and was still in friendly contact with Laura. She let him come to live with her and Les when Les was in his late teens. Dan had been living in his truck again for a period of two years. The one condition was that he remain sober. She helped him draw up a will and they had a family of sorts for a short period of time until Dan drank again. She lovingly asked him to leave, he lovingly agreed and moved back to Southern California to a shabby little apartment. Dan's concern was that his children receive the money from his inheritance. He started abusing pain killers again and was consumed with worry about the money. He had been unable to work for the past three or four years so he watched the money dwindle and got more hopelessly into his addiction. He set his finances up so that all of his money would go to Les, now 18 and asked Les to take care of Ellie. He called up Laura and told her that he was going to kill himself and to please help Les and make sure that Ellie was taken care of. By this time Ellie was terrified of her dad because he would drive loaded with her. She no longer wanted to be around him. Les still loved his dad but could also not stand to be around him. He became his advisor and caretaker of sorts, but near the end Les did not want any more contact with his dad. Dan checked into a psychiatric hospital carefully hiding his pain killers among his tylenol so that he could continue to abuse them. After three days Dan walked out of the hospital went to his apartment and put a shotgun in his mouth and killed himself. He left notes everywhere to Les and Ellie saying he was sorry. He left his children dazed, angry and devastated. Dan had wasted away back to his previous 110 pounds when he ended his life.

STORY DYNAMICS

Dan is a classic example of someone who was completely and totally committed to Story. He believed that he was "unwanted" and lived his life accordingly. He was an internalizer as well as a projector, but never a reactor. His talent and attractiveness made him wanted by many, but his story prevailed. Dan started to try to work on his story when he joined AA. He was uncomfortable with the social atmosphere and projected his "unwantedness" onto others. He excluded himself from activities and was afraid to share in meetings. He would befriend individuals and then would "mess in his bed" and end the friendships through his own special form of sabotage. Some friends remained until the end but most of them felt unwanted by Dan.

Dan also tried therapy, but was so entrenched in his story that his therapists would give up on him, thus proving his "unwantedness". He went to psychiatrists who diagnosed him with depression, anxiety, and schizoid personality and they would put him on medication, but his Story won out even then. Dan proved to himself that he was hopeless and perhaps he was.

When a story is formed so early in life (two years old) often it becomes very resistant to change and treatment. Dan's childhood was so marked by severe neglect and sorrow that he had been changed on a biological as well as a spiritual level. His wounds were too deep and scarred over to be healed. His remaining family is still working to get over his loss. Their grief is tinged with anger and frustration at such a gifted loss. But everyone understood on some intuitive level that Dan WAS hopeless. Over commitment to Story can be fatal. We must have compassion for these people who succumb to Story. It happens. We all miss him terribly.

Conclusion

The way to make the concept of the Shadow Story work for you is to understand the difference between positive thinking, negative thinking and possibility thinking.

Negative thinking is what most of us engage in all the time. This is what gives life to the Shadow Story and makes it seem real. It is literally dangerous to be overly critical and pessimistic. Many of us think that we are like Charlie Brown from the Peanuts strip who thinks that if anything bad can happen, it will happen to him. This kind of attitude is a set up for bad stuff to happen. Even if our lives have been difficult, it is important to refrain from putting a negative template over the arc of our lives. That will only provide the petrie dish for negative to grow.

Positive thinking also has pitfalls associated with it. The primary problem with positive thinking is that it saps one of energy and it is based on delusion. Positive thinking assumes that only good things will happen if we put enough effort into our positive thinking. Buddhism teaches us that suffering is part of the human experience so positive thinking pushes against that reality. That is why it is so draining of our energy. As a positive thinker when negative stuff happens, cognitive confusion sets in. It takes a ton of energy to either resolve this or to effectively go in to some kind of denial in order to make it somehow consistent with our positive view. If you insist on positive thinking, use affirmations as I suggested earlier to set the stage only. It is important to realize that those affirmations may go against what is actually happening. Think of them as a treatment rather than a reality and they will serve you well.

Possibility thinking is the ultimate treatment of the concept in Buddhism which warns against “holding a view”. Possibility thinking opens us up to whatever is to happen in life. It allows the possibility of good outcomes and it also allows us to accept gratefully painful outcomes. It is important to remember that when bad stuff happens, we are actually purifying or burning off negative karma. There is a purpose for suffering and the purpose is ultimately positive. Suffering helps to clear away past offenses so that we can step on to a more solid footing of love and compassion. Love and compassion makes it impossible to believe the Shadow Story is true. It helps us to accept that the conditions that we experienced in our childhood provided the backbone of our story and that our conclusion, our Shadow Story, is conceived of, based on those experiences. In other words, we come by it honestly. Our concept is clouded by the fact that we were children with less than a fully formed intellect and emotional intelligence. Once we realize this, we can begin to understand that our Shadow Story is just that, a story we made up when we were little. Then we can be open to the possibility of realizing our enlightened truth. We can use the pain we have experienced to enhance our ability to be compassionate toward ourselves and others. We can convert our affliction into our gift and get busy becoming what we are truly capable of.

There is hope for those who suffer under the misconception that their Shadow Story is true. When you are diligent in your efforts to rethink the truth about yourself and to engage in possibility thinking, you will see your life begin to change. You will experience more happiness and contentment. You will be much less inclined to “sweat the small stuff”. This healing does require a fair amount of discipline. When we become triggered it is a signal to process the fact that the Shadow Story is not true. Then we remind ourselves of what the truth is and we react as if our enlightened truth is fully realized.

It cannot be disputed that people who have happiness have more fulfilling lives. This discipline ultimately will cause us to have more happiness. The key here though is discipline. Most of us will have our Shadow Story reel its “little” head over and over. All this means is that we will begin to become mindful beings, acknowledging that our mind creates delusions which limit us on a regular basis. Mindfulness makes life much richer and rewarding, even when we are mindful of our current suffering.

I hope that this work will be helpful to those of you who embrace this concept. Please know that I am available to assist you in the work if you are interested. I can be contacted through my email address, mhappenow@yahoo.com or on Skype: mhappenow. Life is a powerful journey of learning and loving. It is exciting to know that our pain and limitation can be transformed into love, compassion and effectiveness. Once we commit to this work I can assure you that you will not be disappointed.

Blessings to all.

Michele Happe

attachment and dealing with addicted loved ones

2008-07-23T08:53:00.000-07:00

Live Video streaming by Ustream

2008-07-23T07:11:00.001-07:00

Last weeks show: Happe Talk

2008-07-22T06:53:00.000-07:00

Here is the archived version of last weeks show. Please check in tonight at 6pm pacific:
Happe Talk

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The God Concept and the Third step

2008-07-16T10:25:00.001-07:00

my first video blog.

TV Show hosted by Ustream

see my new online tv show Happe talk.

2008-07-12T10:44:00.001-07:00

This show airs Tuesday at 6pm pacific time. It is a participation show and I will entertain your questions.

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Authenticity in our spiritual practice

2008-03-19T08:04:00.001-07:00

I watched a clip this morning of the Dalai Lama's reaction to the horrific events in Tibet/China where an essential genocide is occurring at worst and the killing of a culture at best. His message was very animated, he showed his frustration and upset over the violence between the Chinese and Tibetans. He reiterated that if the violence continues, he will resign once and for all as the political leader of Tibet and will continue only as the spiritual leader of Tibet. These are very sad times.

What impressed me about the Dalai Lama's comments was his passion. He did not report his message in a dispassionate way, as Barack Obama did brilliantly yesterday morning in his discussion on race. The Dalai Lama was hot under the robes. He looked near tears and close to outrage.

It was an eventful morning. I also had a discussion with my husband about meta messaging and how we communicate and hear things based on our own internal state. I had told him a few days ago that something he communicated was judgmental and hurtful to me. I told him that even though I love him I felt like I did not like him very much at that moment. This morning he was adamant that I had told him that I hated him during that conversation. I kept my cool while he told me that I was in denial and blocking my own memory of the communication with him. As we processed together, he remembered clearly.....and he apologized for his error in "hearing". He acknowledged that I had said that I loved him but did not like him much at that moment in our conversation.

When we are in an emotional state of turmoil on any level, both our receiving as well as our delivery of our message can be very distorted. We will say things that we don't mean in anger and we will hear things that aren't said. This is pretty amazing in terms of how the mind is the cause of delusion.

I am an American Buddhist. My Buddhism is informed by my American culture. Tibetan Buddhism is informed by their culture so their practice and expression of their Buddhism is different than my Western expression. In the West we are steeped in Christian concepts. This makes it very difficult to understand Karma in the way that Eastern cultures do. When I attempt to teach the concept to my clients, they often feel that Karma is some kind of punishment that is coming from without onto them. I struggle myself to take the punishment concept off of my own understanding of Karma. I remind myself of simple cause and effect. That when we spew negativity or non virtuous behavior out from ourselves, we will eventually receive the same energetic effect. When clients are baffled by how tough their lives are and they look at the arc or their life and cannot find a source for their "bad fortune" they feel that life is unfair and they become jaded. "What's the use!" is a common reaction. When we understand that pain in this life can be a ripening of pain caused in another, our suffering becomes a bit easier to swallow.

Another tendency I see in American Buddhists as well as other committed religious people, is to cover up negativity for the sake of being forgiving and compassionate. Rather than processing the pain or negativity and transforming it into compassion for self and others, the middle step (processing) is skipped and we attempt to go directly to compassion. This as far as I am concerned is play acting. We pretend that we are compassionate by being "nice" but all the pain and negativity goes right into a gunny sack that we carry around with us wherever we go. It is the gunny sack that informs our messaging and creates the meta message which I call passive aggressive behavior. Remember that passive aggressive behavior is like the dog that jumps up on our shoulders and licks our face while urinating on our feet.

The challenge for the Western Buddhist or the practicing Christian or Jew or Muslim is to commit to the middle step. We must be willing to acknowledge our painful or icky emotion, embrace it, and then with our higher thinking, transform it through understanding into compassion. If we don't we will leave a trail of wounded family members and friends who were the recipients of our buried and convoluted wrath.

The Dalai Lama was very skilled in his expression this morning. He allowed his passion to show without needing to pretend that he is better than or higher than being upset. Barack Obama must have done his work to transform his outrage over the sound bites that he had to watch over and over presented by the media of his imperfect Pastor, who he loves as a family member, being taken out of context and smeared day after day. He transformed his pain and outrage to an understanding of both whites and blacks, and all humans who experience unfairness. He rose above the fray to reach out to all people who have experienced pain and who have perpetrated pain on others. He honestly acknowledged his own imperfection. He was able to bring us all together......It was brilliant.

The Dalai Lama is a very enlightened being who is skilled in his communication and kind deep into his heart. Barack Obama is wise in a way that many deeply spiritual beings have exemplified by their lives....perhaps he is a Bhodisattva just like the Dalai Lama.

It is essential for clarity that we devote ourselves to the middle step of processing our negativity. Both of these men are attempting to teach us to go deep into our hearts, to face our own pain and ugliness, and to learn from this...and then once we learn from this we can begin to teach it to others.

Victim Mentality

2008-02-28T07:00:00.000-08:00

This entry comes from my interest in the political primary and my obsessive media junkie nature. I listen to Air America, as well as C-Span and Democracy Now, oh and Kieth Olbermann too. Well, as I think about it the list goes on and on, hence "junkie".

I am very interested in the tone that the primary has taken in the last few weeks. Hillary and Barack are sparring much more, which is to be expected in the rundown to picking the presumptive candidate. What is more interesting to me is the tone that has emerged from supporters I listen to making calls, particularly on Sam Seders show. Sam and Marc Maron are calling these supporters Clintonista's. People will call in with vigilante zeal, trying to defame Barack by talking about his Muslim roots, or his involvement with less than ethical donors. They seem to be incapable of conversation, speaking over the host and not answering the hosts questions. It sound as if they are robots who have been turned on who have to get the message out. They accuse the host, Sam in this instance, of trashing Hillary, when I know that that has not happened (I am a junkie , remember and I listen every day he is on air). It seems they need to be right at any cost.

So this got me to thinking and it took me back to the time when I used to lead groups of men who had been arrested for domestic violence. My sense of them was that for the most part, they were unskilled in relationship and took the lazy mans approach and pushed and shoved rather than reasoned with their partner. Of course there were some men who came into the group that literally made the hair stand up on the back of my neck. These men were truly dangerous sociopaths who really did not belong in group, they belonged in jail.

As part of my training I attended seminars which focused on "the victim". The seminars were lead by women who very much reminded me of the "Clintonistas" I listen to on Air America. These women were scary. They had taken on a vigilante zeal with regard to the abuser. In fact, as I listened, I started to feel at least oppressed and at times abused. When I challenged one women with a question she responded with attack and character assasination. This did not feel so good to me. I did not like this woman and I did not feel that she was good for the woman's rights movement she was a part of.

Here is how I explain this to myself. It requires understanding the dynamic as a paradigm. The paradigm is "Victim/Perpetrator". In this paradigm you can only be one or the other. A woman is victimized and in order for her to take charge in her life within the paradigm she must then take on the role of the perpetrator. This is a false kind of empowerment which only perpetuates the problem. Both roles in the paradigm lack autonomy and compassion. Both lack true "power". The power in the paradigm is power over, rather than power to be.

Back to the political scene. Now that Clinton is the underdog in the race, some supporters feel that it is their mission to save her and make her the top dog in any way possible. This really is like a fight where spit and feathers fly. Attacks can be unfair and specious. It does not matter because now Barack has become the bad guy who has power over Hillary and that is just wrong. This is a very authoritarian paradigm as you might well imagine.

Now a little bit about Buddhism and the above drama. My reaction to the "spit and feathers" is sorrow. If I was inside the paradigm, my reaction would be anger and outrage. But I choose not to be inside that paradigm. I choose compassion over power over. The only way one can become enlightened is to change the paradigm of victim/perpetrator. We must always consider the 10 Virtues as we communicate. If we are not virtuous in our communication, then we generate bad karma which will have a consequence to us in the very long run of life after life. All beings deserve to be treated with respect and kindness even when they are inside the victim/perpetrator paradigm. We do not enable them to offend, but most importantly we do not offend in kind. We practice loving kindness in a skilled way. I actually see Barack doing this in response to Hillary's attacks. He seems to hold himself above the fray. He defends his positions with dignity when he disagrees. He does not waver in his positions and when he is in agreement, he is very concilliatory, which some perceive as weakness. I see Barack as being strong like Ghandi was strong or like Martin Luther King was strong.

Could it be that those who perceive weakness are inside the victim/perpetrator paradigm?

A wonderful example of strength, skill and compassion comes from the Dalai Lama. When asked how a well publicized meeting with George W. Bush went, the Dalai Lama's reply was, "he had wonderful cookies"...........

2008-02-13T17:07:00.001-08:00

A question from a myspace friend.....

"I've been under a slight conflict within myself about how much we have not only the right, but the obligation to KNOW what we want in our lives, and ask for it, regardless of all the people we may upset. I seem to constantly work my life around what other people want, and what works for them, and what they believe. I don't seem to do things i want, or that i love because i feel selfish a lot of the time. I'm feeling a little stuck in a big decision i've gotta make pretty soon, and im struggling between choosing an experience i want in my life, and choosing the "right" path, according to my dad. I feel if i go ahead and finally make a stand, in a sense, and do what i want, even if it may seem impractical, or immature for someone at my particular point in time, that i will anger my dad very much, and he will be so upset with me that he will either try to stop me, or just stop speaking to me altogether. Ive never been close to my dad, and actually wanted to distance myself from him because he's a very negative energy in my life, and many others, so as harsh as it may sound, it wouldnt be too big a consequence, but i was wondering whether you would do a blog on this predicament every person comes across in their life. Those times where you are at a crossroads, and almost always it is a choice of, "should i do what i really want, or should i do what this person wants me to do?". We so often surrender the things we truly want in our lives, for which we are entitled to, but dont believe it, because of what other people want."

My response.....

This is a good question and it requires some definitions. First, how do you define selfish. A simple test for selfishness is to look at motivation. Will your decision harm others or self. Is this decision based on your own as well as others highest good. Is the other person being considerate of your well being or just trying to be in control. It is interesting that you say you have never been close to your dad but are threatened by him not speaking with you.

I work with so many clients who made life decisions based on their parents wishes rather than their own. They end up with empty lives and with resentment toward themselves and their parents for not following their path regardless of how impractical it is. What if all the actors and artists of the world abandoned their talent because those two endeavors are impractical in our culture. Life would be a little grayer if this was the case. We would have more of a stepford world than the interesting, messy, tumultuous world that we have.

Safety and practicality are not always the highest ideal to follow. What if Mother Theresa or Gandhi had opted for practicality. We all need to decide what is most important for us. I have always been motivated by security and I have been very fortunate to forge out a life which has provided for that security and I have a modicum of "my way". I work out of my home, I am self employed, and I get paid very well per hour. This enables me to work part time since I don't have a huge need to be "rich".

The essence of the issue here is that it is important to know yourself. And then to honor yourself. Remember that failure in any endeavor can cause suffering, but it is not necessarily a bad thing. Failure, if utilized properly can guide us to further success. It also helps to purify karma. It is important not to be attached to success...this can lead to procrastination or even paralysis.

You indicate that your patten is to work around others in your life to please them. This is classic codependency and it indicates that you might have an "external locus of control". In psychological terms this is not healthy. A good metaphor for external locus of control is someone who gets a flat tire and calls suicide prevention rather than the tow truck. Your case is of course much more subtle but who are you if you define yourself by others approval. If you succeed at that then you are not even in your own body. You will be amazed that when you do what is in your heart, others will love and admire your for it. Those who depend on you to please them will either drift away or reduce their own dependency on you. You will begin to find yourself amongst other kind, independent, creative people. People pleasing actually harms others by fostering the illusion that they are in some kind of control. Control is a poison. It is a creation of the ego and it is delusion.

So be kind, compassionate, bold, brave and courageous in your quest. Remember to be guided by ethics...then how can you go wrong....Hope this helps....

my grandbaby Iris

2008-02-13T10:17:00.000-08:00